Non SMS Stuff

[ashoksoft 83]

That was good Rajan bhai...

Cheers

Ashok

[Mukul 0]

1.) Santa is not sleeping with his wife these days because somebody

had told him that it is wrong to sleep with married women.

2.) Santa is travelling in the same train compartment with a girl.

He pulls out a metal plate and starts playing it "Ding. Ding." The girl

gets annoyed "You stop that." He stops and they travel for a while.

Then when the night comes the girl takes off her clothes, looks at him

and asks, "Do you want to do IT?" He says, "Yes". "Go ahead." she

says. He pulls out his plate and starts playing "Ding. Ding. Ding."

3.) Santa goes to a hotel and eats heartily. After eating he goes

to wash his hands but starts washing the basin instead. The manager

comes running and asks him, "Prahji, aap kya kar rahe ho?" To this the

man replies, "Oye, tumne hi to idhar board lagaya hai "Wash Basin".

[ashoksoft 83]

The second one ... in the train was good!

cheers

Ashok

[Mukul 0]

Ashok your turn now......Tell us a joke.

[amitstg 0]

A mechanic was removing the cylinder heads from the motor of a car when he spotted the famous heart surgeon in his shop, who was waiting for the service manager to come take a look at his car....... The mechanic shouted across the garage, "Hello Doctor! Please come on over here for a minute.".... The famous surgeon, a bit surprised, walked over to the mechanic. The mechanic straightened up, wiped his hands on a rag and asked argumentatively, "So doctor, look at this here. I also open hearts, take valves out, grind 'em, put in new parts, and when I finish this will work as a new one. So how come you get the big money, when both of us are doing basically the same work?"..... The doctor leaned over and whispered to the mechanic "Try doing it with the engine running."

Someone asked Osama-bin-laden: aur sab kaisa chal raha hai.He said kabhi goli kabhi bam.next questionwas to laloo: aur sab kaisa chal raha hai Bihar mein.He said: Kabhi Rabri kabhi hum.

[ashoksoft 83]

Finally, the guys side of the story. I must admit, it's pretty good. We always hear "the rules" from the female side. Now here are the rules from the male side.

These are our rules!

· Learn to work the toilet seat. You're a big girl. If it's up put it down. We need it up; you need it down. You don't hear us complaining about you leaving it down.

· Sunday = sports. It's like the full moon or the changing of the tides. Let it be.

· Shopping is NOT a sport. And no, we are never going to think of it that way.

· Crying is blackmail.

· Ask for what you want Let us be clear on this one: - Subtle hints do not work! Strong hints do not work! Obvious hints do not work! Just say it!

· Yes and No are perfectly acceptable answers to almost every question.

· Come to us with a problem only if you want help solving it. That's what we do. Sympathy is what your girlfriends are for.

· A headache that lasts for 17 months is a problem. See a doctor.

· Anything we said 6 months ago is inadmissible in an argument. In fact, all comments become null and void after 7 days.

· If you won't dress like the Victoria's Secret girls, don't expect us to act like soap opera guys.

· If you think you're fat, you probably are. Don't ask us.

· If something we said can be interpreted two ways, and one of the ways makes you sad or angry, we meant the other one.

· You can either ask us to do something or tell us how you want it done. Not both. If you already know best how to do it, just do it yourself.

· Whenever possible, please say whatever you have to say during commercials.

· Christopher Columbus did not need directions and neither do we.

· ALL men see in only 16 colors, like Windows default settings. Peach, for example, is a fruit, not a color. Pumpkin is also a fruit. We have no idea what mauve is.

· If it itches, it will be scratched. We do that.

· If we ask what is wrong and you say "nothing," we will act like nothing's wrong. We know you are lying, but it is just not worth the hassle.

· If you ask a question you don't want an answer to, expect an answer you don't want to hear.

· When we have to go somewhere, absolutely anything you wear is fine Really.

· Don't ask us what we're thinking about unless you are prepared to discuss such topics as cricket, the staus of bihar, or discussions on rimweb.

· You have enough clothes.

· You have too many shoes.

· I am in shape. Round is a shape.

· Thank you for reading this; Yes, I know, I have to sleep on the couch tonight, but did you know men really don't mind that, it's like camping.

Cheers

Ashok

[ashoksoft 83]

I hate sex in the movies. Tried it once. The seat folded up, the drink spilled and that ice, well, it really chilled her mood.

An older lady gets pulled over for speeding... Older Woman: Is there a problem, Officer? Officer: Ma'am, you were speeding. Older Woman: Oh, I see. Officer: Can I see your license please? Older Woman: I'd give it to you but I don't have one. Officer: Don't have one? Older Woman: Lost it, 4 years ago for drunk driving. Officer: I see...Can I see your vehicle registration papers please. Older Woman: I can't do that. Officer: Why not? Older Woman: I stole this car. Officer: Stole it? Older Woman: Yes, and I killed and hacked up the owner. Officer: You what? Older Woman: His body parts are in plastic bags in the trunk if you want to see. The Officer looks at the woman and slowly backs away to his car and calls for back up. Within minutes 5 police cars circle the car. A senior officer slowly approaches the car, clasping his half drawn gun. Officer 2: Ma'am, could you step out of your vehicle please! The woman steps out of her vehicle. Older woman: Is there a problem sir? Officer 2: One of my officers told me that you have stolen this car and murdered the owner. Older Woman: Murdered the owner? Officer 2: Yes, could you please open the trunk of your car, please. The woman opens the trunk, revealing nothing but an empty trunk. Officer 2: Is this your car, ma'am? Older Woman: Yes, here are the registration papers. The officer is quite stunned. Officer 2: One of my officers claims that you do not have a driving license. The woman digs into her handbag and pulls out a clutch purse and hands it to the officer. The officer examines the license. He looks quite puzzled. Officer 2: Thank you ma'am, one of my officers told me you didn't have a license, that you stole this car, and that you murdered and hacked up the owner. Older Woman: Bet the liar told you I was speeding, too.

A woman was out golfing one day when she hit her ball into the woods. She went into the woods to look for it and found a frog in a trap. The frog said to her, "If you release me from this trap, I will grant you 3 wishes. "The woman freed the frog. The frog said, "Thank you, but I failed to mention that there was a condition to your wishes-that whatever you wish for, your husband will get 10 times more or better!"

The woman said, "That would be okay". For her first wish, she wanted to be the most beautiful woman in the world. The frog warned her, "You do realize that this wish will also make your husband the most handsome man in the world, an Adonis, that women will flock to." The woman replied, "That will be okay because I will be the most beautiful woman and he will only have eyes for me. "So, KAZAM - she's the most beautiful woman in the world! For her second wish, she wanted to be the richest woman in the world. The frog said, "That will make your husband the richest man in the world and he will be ten times richer than you." The woman said,"That will be okay because what's mine is his and what's his is mine." So, KAZAM she's the richest woman in the world! The frog then inquired about her third wish, and she answered, I'd like a mild heart attack.

From HR to Employees

TO: All Employees

FROM: Human Resources

SUBJECT: Foul Language

DATE: February 28, 2000

It has been brought to management's attention that individuals

throughout the company have been using foul language during

the course of normal conversation with their co-workers. Due

to complaints received from employees who may be easily

offended, this type of language will no longer be tolerated.

We do however, realize the critical importance of being able

to accurately express your feelings when communicating with

co-workers.

Therefore, a list of "TRY SAYING" new phrases has been provided

so that the proper exchange of ideas and information can

continue in an effective manner, without risk the of offending

our more sensitive employees.

TRY SAYING: Perhaps I can work late.

INSTEAD OF: And when the fu*k do you expect me to do this?

TRY SAYING: I'm certain that isn't feasible.

INSTEAD OF: No fu*king way

TRY SAYING: Really?

INSTEAD OF: You've got to be sh*tting me!

TRY SAYING: Perhaps you should check with...

INSTEAD OF: Tell someone who gives a sh*t.

TRY SAYING: Of course I'm concerned.

INSTEAD OF: Ask me if I give a sh*t.

TRY SAYING: I wasn't involved in the project.

INSTEAD OF: It's not my fu*king problem.

TRY SAYING: That's interesting.

INSTEAD OF: What the fu*k?

TRY SAYING: I'm not sure this can be implemented.

INSTEAD OF: This sh*t won't work.

TRY SAYING: I'll try to schedule that.

INSTEAD OF: Why the hell didn't you tell me sooner?

TRY SAYING: Are you sure this is a problem?

INSTEAD OF: Who the hell cares?

TRY SAYING: He's not familiar with the issues.

INSTEAD OF: He's got his head up his ***.

TRY SAYING: Excuse me, sir?

INSTEAD OF: Eat sh*t and die.

TRY SAYING: So you weren't happy with it?

INSTEAD OF: Kiss my ***.

TRY SAYING: I'm a bit overloaded at the moment.

INSTEAD OF: fu*k it, I'm on salary.

TRY SAYING: I don't think you understand.

INSTEAD OF: Shove it up your ***.

TRY SAYING: I love a challenge.

INSTEAD OF: This job s**ks.

TRY SAYING: I see.

INSTEAD OF: Blow me.

TRY SAYING: Yes, we really should discuss it.

INSTEAD OF: Another fu*king meeting!

TRY SAYING: I don't think this will be a problem.

INSTEAD OF: I really don't give a sh*t.

TRY SAYING: He's somewhat insensitive.

INSTEAD OF: He's a pri*k.

TRY SAYING: She's an aggressive go-getter.

INSTEAD OF: She's a ball-busting bit*h.

TRY SAYING: I think you could use more training.

INSTEAD OF: You don't know what the fu*k you're doing.

Thank You,

Human Resources

Bush in heaven

A United States senator died and went to heaven. As he stood in front of St.Peter at the Pearly Gates, he saw a huge wall of clocks behind him. He asked, "What are all those clocks?" St. Peter answered, "Those are Lie-Clocks. Everyone on Earth has a Lie-Clock. Every time you lie, the hands on your clock will move." "Oh," said the Senator, "who's clock is that?" "That's Mother Teresa's. The hands have never moved indicating that she never told a lie." "Whose clock is that?" "That's Abraham Lincoln's clock. The hands have only moved twice, telling us that Abe only told two lies in his entire life." The Senator asked, "Where's George Bush's clock?" "It's in Jesus' office. He's using it as a ceiling fan." . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .

Edited September 24, 2005 by ashoksoft

[ashoksoft 83]

Too Drunk

A man staggered home late after another evening with his drinking buddies. Shoes in left hand to avoid waking his wife, he tiptoed as quietly as he could toward the stairs leading to their upstairs bedroom, but misjudged the bottom step in the darkened entryway. As he caught himself by grabbing the banister, his body swung around and he landed heavily on his rump. A whiskey bottle in each back pocket broke and made the landing especially painful. Managing to suppress a yelp, the man sprung up, pulled down his pants, and examined his lacerated and bleeding cheeks in the mirror of a nearby darkened hallway, then managed to find a large full box of Band-Aids before proceeding to place a patch as best he could on each place he saw blood. After hiding the now almost empty box, he managed to shuffle and stumble his way to bed. In the morning, the man awoke with searing pain in the head and butt and his wife staring at him from across the room. She said, "You were drunk again last night." Forcing himself to ignore his agony, he looked meekly at her and replied, "Now, hon, why would you say such a mean thing?" "Well," she said, "it could be the open front door, it could be the glass at the bottom of the stairs, it could be the drops of blood trailing through the house, it could be your bloodshot eyes, but, mostly.... it's all those Band-Aids stuck on the downstairs mirror!"

MARKETING

Two prostitutes were riding around town with a sign on top of their car which said: "Two Prostitutes -- $50.00." A policeman, seeing the sign, stopped them and told them they'd either have to remove the sign or go to jail. Just at that time, another car passed with a sign saying: "JESUS SAVES." One of the girls asked the officer, "How come you don't stop them?!" "Well, that's a little different," the officer smiled . . . "Their sign pertains to religion." So the two ladies of the night frowned as they took their sign down and drove off. The following day found the same police officer in the area when he noticed the two ladies driving around with a large sign on their car again. Figuring he had an easy arrest, he began to catch up with them when he noticed the new sign that now read: "Two Fallen Angels Seeking Peter -- $50.00."

MANAGEMENT

A man in a hot air balloon realized he was lost. He reduced altitude and spotted a woman below. He descended a bit more and shouted "Excuse me, can you help me? I promised a friend I would meet him an hour ago, but I don't know where I am." The woman below replied, "You're in a hot air balloon hovering approximately 30 feet above the ground. You're between 40 and 41 degrees north latitude and between 59 and 60 degrees west longitude." "You must be an engineer," said the balloonist. "I am," replied the woman, "How did you know?" "Well," answered the balloonist "everything you told me is, technically correct, but I've no idea what to make of your information, and the fact is I'm still lost. Frankly, you've not been much help at all. If anything, you've delayed my trip." The woman below responded, "You must be in management." "I am," replied the balloonist, "but how did you know?" "Well," said the woman, "you don't know where you are or where you're going. You have risen to where you are, due to a large quantity of hot air. You made a promise that you've no idea how to keep, and you expect people beneath you to solve your problems. The fact is you are in exactly the same position you were in before we met, but now, somehow, it's my fault."

[Mukul 0]

LOL !!! Edited September 24, 2005 by Mukul

[ashoksoft 83]

lots more coming mate .... since u've asked for it ... I guess I will upload when I get my connection straight (may be tommorrow)

Cheers

Ashok

[RajanPERT 0]

HEY Ashok or Mukul! eye am in problem please someone check my spelling!

Eye halve a Spelling Checker it came with my pea sea It plainly marks four my revue Miss steaks eye kin knot sea. Eye strike a key and type a world and weight four it two say Weather eye am wrong oar write Eye have run this post threw it I am shore your pleased two no its letter perfect awl the Weigh My Checker tolled me sew. Will u please help me with my spelling!

Guys, u thinks that this post is very erroneous according to the English Grammar and Spelling. But please check it with MS Word Spelling Checker. Just copy it to MS Word and tell me whether any thing wrong in my English according Microsoft.

Thanks and Take Care!

[ashoksoft 83]

Naa ... ur english is perfect. ... but too much conditioned to indian speech!

hehe

cheers

Ashok

[Mukul 0]

Yeah Rajan, You seem to be a nice guy but I agree with Ashok.

[Mukul 0]

RULES OF LIFE

RULE 1: Life is not fair.... get used to it.

RULE 2: The world won't care about your self-esteem. However, the world will expect you to accomplish something BEFORE you start feeling good about yourself.

RULE 3: If you mess up, it's not your parents fault, so don't whine about your mistakes, learn from them.

RULE 4: Your school may have done away with recognizing that there are winners and losers, but life has not. In some schools they have even abolished failing grades, and they'll give you as much time as you want to get the right answer on an exam. This doesn't bear the slightest resemblance to ANYTHING in real life.

RULE 9: Life is not divided into semesters. You don't get summers off, and very few employers are interested in helping you find yourself. You are supposed to do that on your own time.

RULE 10: Television is NOT real life. In real life people actually have to leave the coffee shop, and go out and find a job.

RULE 11: Be nice to NERDS. Chances are you will end up working for one.

< Extra Blank Lines Removed >

Edited September 25, 2005 by Vishal Gupta

[RajanPERT 0]

lots more coming mate .... since u've asked for it ... I guess I will upload when I get my connection straight (may be tommorrow)

Cheers

Ashok

42180[/snapback]

Hi, Where are others joke! Still waiting!

@Mukul! Very GREAT! LAGE RAHO!

Thanks and Take Care!

[Pankaj Verma 0]

Santa in ICU

A man was brought in to the hospital intensive care ward, put in a bed, tubes coming out everywhere. A week later, another man was admitted, in a similar condition.

Both lay there, machines pinging, tubes poking etc. a couple more weeks before one of them had the strength to raise his hand and point to himself and say, "Bengali."

The other patient signaled he had heard, raised his own hand, and said, "Punjabi."

This act tired them out so badly it was a week before the first summoned up the strength to say, "Calcutta."

Other replied in a weedy frail voice, "Ludhiana."

Once more, the strain was too much for them both and they passed out. Days passed before the first patient managed to again point to himself and say, "Asit."

Replied the other, "Santa."

A few hours later, Asit managed to point to himself again and rasp out weakly, "Cancer."

Santa responded, "Sagittarius."

[RajanPERT 0]

@Pankaj!

HA HA HA HA HA HA HA

Useful Computer Acronyms

PCMCIA: People Can’t Memorize Computer Industry Acronyms

ISDN: It Still Does Nothing

APPLE: Arrogance Produces Profit Losing Entity

SCSI: System Can’t See It

DOS: Defunct Operating System

BASIC: Bill’s Attempt to Seize Industry Control

IBM: I Blame Microsoft

DEC: Do Expects Cuts

CD ROM: Consumer Device, Rendered Obsolete in Months

OS/2: Obsolete Soon, Too

VRML: Very Ridiculous Marketing Language

WWW: World Wide Wait

MACINTOSH: Most Applications Crash; If Not, The Operating System Hangs

Thanks and Take Care!

Edited September 25, 2005 by Rajanpert

[Pankaj Verma 0]

Fill in the Blank

Santa and son, Pappu, were always in competition with each other. One day Pappu left to take an entrance exam at a university. He wanted to major in medicine. A week later he returned from his trip looking very down in the dumps.

"How was the exam?" asked Santa.

"They asked quite a lot of 'fill in the blank' questions about first aid and stuff. I got a score of 70%. It wasn't good enough to get accepted," he replied.

"Well in that case I better take that exam myself," Santa said. So off to the university he went. A week later Santa returned from his trip looking very down in the dumps.

"How was the exam?" asked Pappu.

"They asked quite a lot of 'fill in the blank' questions about first aid and I got them all wrong but one."

"Which question was that?"

"The question was...", started Santa, "What do you do when you come across a woman which has fainted. You feel her pu_s_?"

"That's easy", Pappu replied. "The answer is pulse."

"Oh, hell," said Santa," I got that one wrong as well."

[ashoksoft 83]

Well here is what I promised.... 63 jokes in a single zip... more coming as time passes!

http://www.uploadtemple.com/view.php/1127695669.zip

Cheers

Ashok

[cracker 0]

Shadi Se Pehle aur Shadi Ke BAAAAAADDDDD

Shaadi ke pehle - Maine Pyar Kiya

Shaadi ke baad - ye Maine Kya Kiya ?

Shaadi ke pehle - Kuch Kuch Hota Hai

Shaadi ke baad - Kuch Nahi Hota Hai

Shaadi ke pehle - Dil To Pagal hai

Shaadi ke baad - Dil To Pagal Tha

Shaadi ke pehle - Ek Duje Ke Liye

Shaadi ke baad - Sirf Bachcho Ke Liye

Shaadi ke pehle - Dilwale Dulhaniya Le Jayenge

Shaadi ke baad - Baaki Log Sukhi Ho Jayenge

Shaadi ke pehle - Chandramukhi

Shaadi ke baad - Jwalamukhi

Shaadi ke pehle - Kuwara Baap

Shaadi ke baad - Bechara Baap

Shaadi ke pehle - Titanic

Shaadi ke baad - Kagaz Ki Nao

Shaadi ke pehle - Hum Aapke Hain Koun?

Shaadi ke baad - Barbadi Ka Kaaran

Shaadi ke pehle - Yes Boss:-)

Shaadi ke baad - Yes Boss:-(

Shaadi ke pehle - Kabhi Kabhi

Shaadi ke baad - If you are lucky

Shaadi ke Pehle - Aao Pyar Karen

Shaadi ke baad - Aur Bhi Kuch kaam Karen

[ashoksoft 83]

Sahi hai cracker .... but are u coming to the rimweb mumbai meet ? ? ? ?

Cheers

Ashok

[Mukul 0]

Funerals

A cardiologist died and was given an elaborate funeral. A huge heart covered in flowers stood behind the casket during the service.

Following the eulogy, the heart opened, and the casket rolled inside. The heart then closed, sealing the doctor in the beautiful heart forever.

At that point, one of the mourners burst into laughter. When all eyes stared at him, he said, "I'm sorry, I was just thinking of my own funeral; I'm a gynaecologist."

And that's when the proctologist fainted.

[ashoksoft 83]

LOL !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! and I am a FBI (Female Body Inspector) .. I am wondering about my funeral!

cheers

Ashok

[Utsav 0]

-------------Congratulation-Letter--------------

Dear Joey,

I was much too sensitive about your Mohawk, tattoo and pierced nose. I now realize motorcycles aren't really that dangerous, and I really should not have reacted that way to the fact that you have never held a job.

I am also very sure that some other very nice people live under the bridge in the park, too. Sure my daughter is only 18 and wants to marry you instead of going to Harvard on full scholarship. After all, you can't learn everything about life from books.

I sometimes forget how backward I can be. I was wrong. I was a fool. I have now come to my senses and you have my full blessing to marry my daughter.

Sincerely, Your future father-in-law.

P.S. Congratulations on winning the lottery!

[Mukul 0]

Corporate Study

After a two-year study, the National Science Foundation announced the following results on Corporate America's recreational preferences.

1. The sport of choice for male unemployed or incarcerated people is BASKETBALL

2. The sport of choice for male maintenance level employees is BOWLING

3. The sport of choice for male front-line workers is FOOTBALL

4. The sport of choice for male supervisors is BASEBALL

5. The sport of choice for male middle management is TENNIS

6. The sport of choice for male corporate officers is GOLF.

Conclusion:

The higher you are in the corporate structure, the smaller your balls become!