Non SMS Stuff

[ashoksoft 83]

Well friends this is not a joke per se ... but hey this is one poem I got around as a forward ..... but it is pretty reflective

Around the corner I have a friend,

In this great city that has no end,

Yet the days go by and weeks rush on,

And before I know it, a year is gone.

And I never see my old friends face,

For life is a swift and terrible race,

He knows I like him just as well,

As in the days when I rang his bell.

And he rang mine but we were younger then,

And now we are busy, tired men.

Tired of playing a foolish game,

Tired of trying to make a name.

"Tomorrow" I say! "I will call on Jim Just to show! that I'm thinking ! of him."

But tomorrow comes and tomorrow goes,

And distance between us grows and grows.

Around the corner, yet miles away,

"Here's a telegram sir," "Jim died today.

"And that's what we get and deserve in the end.

Around the corner, a vanished friend.

Cheers

Ashok

[Vishal Gupta 4]

Its a Dil ko chhu lene wali poem ashok!

really good one...

[ashoksoft 83]

I know ... really touching poem ... one of my fav's, so decided to post it out for u all ......... btw to relieve the stress caused here is a bunch of jokes

about 364 Jokes (most of them are clean)

http://www.uploadtemple.com/view.php/1128625726.zip

Cheers

Ashok

[Mukul 0]

Rula diya Ashok....I would catch with my long lost friends...before they vanish too.

[ashoksoft 83]

That is what the Rimweb meets are all about ... to ensure that u keep in touch with ur mates from accross ur platform . (hehe I guess I can become a nice ad. agent... )

try to go thro the jokes as well....

Cheers

Ashok

[RajanPERT 0]

What's a great poem........

I think some RIMWEBIAN read it and thinking about their friends.

Thanks and Take Care!

PS: Thanks for so many joke. I will read it next time.

[Mukul 0]

The Princess

Once upon a time there lived a king. The king had a beautiful daughter, the Pincess. But there was a problem. Everything the princess touched would - no matter what: metal, wood, stone, you name it - anything she touched would melt. Because of this, men were afraid of her. Nobody would dare marry her.

The king despaired. What could he do to help his daughter? He consulted his wizards and magicians.

One wizard told the king, "If your daughter touches one thing that does not melt in her hands, she will be cured."

The king was overjoyed and came up with a plan. The next day, he announced a competition: Any man that could bring his daughter an object that would not melt would marry her and inherit the king's wealth.

Three young princes took up the challenge.

The first brought a sword of the finest steel but, alas, when the princess touched it, it melted. The prince went away sadly.

The second prince brought diamonds. He thought diamonds are the hardest substance in the world and would not melt but, alas, once the princess touched them, they melted. He too was went away disappointed. The third prince approached. He told the princess, "Put your hand in my pocket and feel what is in there."

The princess did as she was told, though she turned red with embarrassment. She felt something hard. She held it in her hand. And it did not melt!!!

The king was overjoyed. Everybody in the kingdom was overjoyed. And the third prince married the princess and they both lived happily ever after.

Question: What was in the prince's pants?

Answer: M&M's, of course, they melt in your mouth, not in your hand!

What were you thinking, you perverts? Hehehe!

[ashoksoft 83]

good one ... but M&M is available in Marks and Spencers, and other stores in UK, where do I get it in India ? any guess ?

Cheers

Ashok

[Vishal Gupta 4]

Some Funny Definitions......

Doctor:

A person who kills your ills by pills, and kills you

with his bills.

Cigarette:

A pinch of tobacco rolled in paper with fire at one

end a fool on the other.

Compromise:

The art of dividing a cake in such a way that

everybody believes he got the biggest piece.

Dictionary:

A place where success comes before work.

Conference Room:

A place where everybody talks, nobody listens and

everybody disagrees later on.

Classic:

A book which people praise, but do not read.

Smile:

A curve that can set a lot of things straight.

Office:

A place where you can relax after your strenuous home

life.

Yawn:

The only time some married men ever get to open their

mouth.

Etc. :

A sign to make others believe that you know more than

you actually do.

Committee:

Individuals who can do nothing individually and sit to

decide that nothing can be done together.

Lecture:

An art of transferring information from the notes of

the Lecturer to the notes of the students without

passing through "the minds of either"

Conference:

The confusion of one man multiplied by the number

present.

Experience:

The name men give to their mistakes.

Atom Bomb:

An invention to end all inventions.

Diplomat:

A person who tells you to go to hell in such a way

that you actually look forward to the trip.

Opportunist:

A person who starts taking bath if he accidentally

falls into a river.

Optimist:

A person who while falling from Eiffel tower says in

midway "See I am not injured yet."

Divorce:

Future tense of marriage.

Miser:

A person who lives poor so that he can die rich.

Father:

A banker provided by nature.

Criminal:

A guy no different from the rest....except that he got

caught.

Boss:

Someone who is early when you are late and late when

you are early.

Politician:

One who shakes your hand before elections and your

confidence after.

[RajanPERT 0]

Great Mate!

But u not define about moderator. Hey Some one try it.

Thanks and Take Care!

[RajanPERT 0]

Tech Support: “OK Bob, let’s press the control and escape key at the same time. That brings up a task list in the middle of the screen. Now type the letter ‘P’ to bring up the Program Manager.”

Customer: “I don’t have a ‘P’.”

Tech Support: “On your Keyboard, Bob.”

Customer: “What do you mean?”

Tech Support: “ ‘P’ on your keyboard, Bob.”

Customer: “I’m not going to do that!”

Enjoy and Take Care!

[Vishal Gupta 4]

BREAKING NEWS!!!!

Windows 98 Source Code Out!!!

/*
TOP SECRET Microsoft(c) Code
Project: Chicago(tm)
Projected release-date: Summer 1998
*/

#include "win31.h"
#include "win95.h"
#include "evenmore.h"
#include "oldstuff.h"
#include "billrulz.h"
#define INSTALL = HARD

char make_prog_look_big[1600000];

void main()
{
while(!CRASHED)
{
display_copyright_message();
display_bill_rules_message();
do_nothing_loop();
if (first_time_installation)
{
make_50_megabyte_swapfile();
do_nothing_loop();
totally_screw_up_HPFS_file_system();
search_and_destroy_the_rest_of_OS/2();
hang_system();
}
write_something(anything);
display_copyright_message();
do_nothing_loop();
do_some_stuff();
if (still_not_crashed)
{
display_copyright_message();
do_nothing_loop();
basically_run_windows_3.1();
do_nothing_loop();
do_nothing_loop();
}
}

if (detect_cache())
disable_cache();

if (fast_cpu())
{
set_wait_states(lots);
set_mouse(speed, very_slow);
set_mouse(action, jumpy);
set_mouse(reaction, sometimes);
}

/* printf("Welcome to Windows 3.11"); */
/* printf("Welcome to Windows 95"); */
printf("Welcome to Windows 98");
if (system_ok())
crash(to_dos_prompt);
else
system_memory = open("a:\swp0001.swp", O_CREATE);

while(something)
{
sleep(5);
get_user_input();
sleep(5);
act_on_user_input();
sleep(5);
}
create_general_protection_fault();
}

[ashoksoft 83]

old one ... but nice ... reminded me of my old days... ahh deja vu!

this was something which was forwarded to me by one of my friends, one of my closest friends when I was still new to using windows, (yes ... even when windows ME was the rage, I was using DOS.... used to use Lynx for Dos, on a 486 to connect to newsgroups, and mail box!

ahh vishal u remind me again of those nights, I and my friends spent together, discussing our future plans (most of them are now in the US, yeah they were all my seniors... I was in my 10th and they were doing engineering at that time!)

Cheers

Ashok

[Arun 795]

THE TRUTH ABOUT “GIRLIES”

1. Properties

2. Shopping Mission

3. Simple fact of life

4. Control

5. But ….When It Comes To Common Sense…………….

[ashoksoft 83]

hehehehehe :

Look at this one ... It was on Ebay some time back, the authors removed it and later put it up on their blog ... have a laugh

I have 2 children for sale. They come as a set.

The first one is a 5 yr old female. She has blonde hair and blue eyes. She wears glasses*. This is a result of my poor genetics, or so I have been told by my ex-in-laws. (full disclosure of my poor genetics at bottom.)

A little about her:

she can read

she is bossy*

she can run a dvd player

she knows how to use her apple computer (will be included if you cover the shipping)

she is very good at debating*

she knows how to ride a dirtbike

she does not require training wheels on her bike (she learned to ride the dirtbike without training wheels before her bicycle)

she likes to wash dishes. Not so good at the rinsing part.

she loves her brother and tries to hug him every ten minutes

she can make sandwiches. She will ask to make you one everyday for lunch.

she has mood swings*

The second child is a 3 yr old male. He has blonde hair and blue eyes. He does not have glasses but does have a neurological disorder called speech aproxia*. I have been assured that this will be cured by the time he is 7.

A little about him:

he knows how to run a DVD player

he thinks he is a dog so you will be subject to being licked and he likes to eat everything out of a bowl on the floor

he also can run an apple computer

he is afraid of everything bugs, dogs, shadows, noise, food that is green. He has been known to urinate on himself when encountering anything that frightens him.

he likes to take pictures and is much better than his grandma (not on my side)

he likes to pick his nose which is convenient for long car rides just remind him he has a nose and this will keep him occupied for hours.

he is good at fighting. He can duplicate any move from crouching tiger hidden dragon. He has been known to kick you in the shins when you least expect it.

he hates his sister and will tell you this every ten minutes

he likes to have his toenails painted*

They must be sold as a set.

List of accessories they come with:

2 easter baskets full of chocolates. Well actually only half full after today.

several sets of clothes

2 bicycles both with very loud sirens on them

1 apple computer if you can afford the shipping

1 bottle of ibuprofen 500 count

1 bottle of amoxicillan that needs to be administered twice a day to the female

1 DVD player and aprx. 40 DVDs. I may be willing to throw in the plasma tv if you act now

1 remote control car that has been known to injure. Please wear shoes if it is in use.

a set of Nudist colony barbie and ken dolls all of which did at one point have clothes but decided, perhaps against their will, that a more natural lifestyle was prefered*

They also come with a father who has 50/50 custody. He is bullheaded and he claims to have a right to be because he is 39 yrs old. He is also very important, just ask him. He has been known to not show up to get the kids on time so that I can make it to work so you will need a very flexible schedule or a very understanding boss. He also has a coke habit, so you will need to remind him repeatedly of anything important. He is color blind so you will need to check the kids attire before they get dropped off at school. He also does not see anything wrong with the male child wearing shirts with barbie or bows on them. He has even sent him in a dress once and blamed it on his color blindness. If you go on vacation and leave the kids with him the entire time you need to specificly tell him they need to be bathed. I was once suprised to come home after 9 days in Cancun to findout that they had not been in the vicinity of soap in 9 days because I never wrote it on the list of instructions.

*The things my poor genetics may have passed on include: poor eyesight from my father, I am a bossy bitch who was on the debate team, forensics, drama club and prelaw club in high school (yes I was a geek, a hot slutty geek)so this may explain the attitude, I also like to be pampered so the peticure fetish may be my fault, I also like to walk around naked.

The price I am asking is $19.99 for buy one get one free. I recently had my tubes tied so I would not be able to make you a third for a complete set. Also there is no way in hell their father is touching me with his 4 inch cock ever again, so there wouldnt even be any guarantees that the third child would be a blonde haired, blue eyed, pure german baby.

I hope I have given enough information for you to make a well informed buy. Please only serious responses. They have school in the morning and I am so ready for spring break to be over. After a morning without them I may change my mind about selling them. Actually now that they are asleep and I went and checked on them they look like little angels. I will keep them.

SORRY ITEMS ARE NO LONGER AVAILABLE

this is in or around north of you

it's NOT ok to contact this poster with services or other commercial interests

cheers

Ashok

[Vishal Gupta 4]

Funny Thoughts

*Why is it that when you're driving and looking for an address, you turn down the volume on the radio?

*Why is lemon juice made with artificial flavor, and dishwashing liquid made with real lemons?

*Are part-time bandleaders semi-conductors?

*Do pilots take crash-courses?

*Do you think that when they asked George Washington for ID that he just whipped out a quarter?

*Why isn't phonetic spelled the way it sounds?

*Why are there flotation devices under plane seats instead of parachutes?

*Why are cigarettes sold in gas stations when smoking is prohibited there?

*Why do fat chance and slim chance mean the same thing?

*If you can't drink and drive, why do you need a driver's license to buy liquor and why do bars have parking lots?

*Do you need a silencer if you are going to shoot a mime?

*Have you ever imagined a world with no hypothetical situations?

*How does the guy who drives the snowplow get to work in the mornings?

*Why is the word abbreviation so long?

*How come you press harder on a remote-control when you know the battery is dead?

*Since Americans throw rice at weddings do Orientals throw hamburgers?

*Why are they called buildings, when they're already finished? Shouldn't they be called builts?

*Why are they called apartments, when they're all stuck together?

*Why do people without a watch look at their wrist when you ask them what time it is?

*Why do you ask someone without a watch what time it is?

*If the black box flight recorder is never damaged during a plane crash, why isn't the whole airplane made out of the same stuff?

*If most car accidents occur within five miles of home, why doesn't everyone just move 10 miles away?

*If man evolved from monkeys and apes, why do we still have monkeys and apes?

*I went to a bookstore and asked the saleswoman, "Where's the self-help section?" She said if she told me, it would defeat the purpose.

*What would we have called the color orange if it weren't a fruit?

*After eating, do amphibians have to wait one hour before getting out of the water?

*If someone with multiple personalities threatens to kill himself, is it considered a hostage situation?

*Instead of talking to your plants, if you yelled at them would they still grow, but only to be troubled and insecure?

*Is there another word for synonym?

*Why is the time of day with the slowest traffic called rush hour?

*Depression is merely anger without enthusiasm.

*If at first you don't succeed, destroy all evidence that you tried.

*A conclusion is the place where you got tired of thinking.

*Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it.

*For every action, there is an equal and opposite criticism.

*No one is listening until you make a mistake.

[Vishal Gupta 4]

How to know that you are an Indian?

You are Indian if...

1. Everything you eat is savored In garlic, onion and tomatoes.

2. You try and reuse gift wrappers, gift boxes, and of course aluminum

foil.

3. You try to eject food particles from between your teeth by pressing

your tongue against them and making a peculiar noise like, tshick, tshick,

tschick, tschick.

4. You are standing next to the two largest size suitcases at the Airport.

5. You arrive one or two hours late to a party - and think its normal.

6. You peel the stamps off letters that the Postal Service missed to mark

up.

7. You recycle Wedding Gifts.

8. You name your children in rhythms (example, Honey & Money, Sita & Gita,

Ram & Shyam.)

9. All your children have pet names, which sound nowhere close to their

real names.

10. You take Indian snacks anywhere it says "No Food Allowed"

11. You talk for an hour at the front door when leaving someone's house.

12. You load up the family car with as many people as possible.

13. You use plastic to cover anything new in your house whether it's the

remote control, VCR, carpet or new couch.

14. Your parents tell you to not care what your friends think but they

won't let you do certain things because of what the other "Uncles And

Aunties" will think.

15. You buy and display crockery, which is for special occasions, which

never happen.

16. You have a vinyl tablecloth on your kitchen table.

17. You use grocery bags to hold garbage.

18. You keep leftover food in your fridge in as many numbers of bowls as

possible.

19. Your kitchen shelf is full of jam jars, varieties of bowls and plastic

utensils (got free with some household items).

20. You carry a stash of your own food whenever you travel (and travel

means any car ride longer than 15 minutes).

21. You own a rice cooker or a pressure cooker.

22. You fight over who! pays the dinner bill.

23. You majored in engineering! , medicine or law and now........are after

Software and only Software no matter which field you belong to.

24. You live with your parents and you are 40 years old. (And they prefer

it that way).

25. You don't use measuring cups when cooking.

26. You feel like you've gotten a good deal if you didn't pay tax.

27. You never learnt how to stand in a queue.

28. You can only travel if there are 5 persons at least to see you off or

receive you whether you are traveling by bus, train or plane.

29. If she is NOT your daughter, you always take interest in knowing whose

daughter has run with whose son and feel proud to spread it at the velocity

of more than the speed of light.

30. You only make long distance calls after 11 p.m.

31. If you don't live at home, when your parents call, they ask if you've

eaten, even if it's midnight.

32. You call an older person you never met before "uncle."

33. When your parents meet strangers and talk for a few minutes, you

discover you're talking to a distant cousin.

34. Your parents don't realise phone connections to foreign countries have

improved in the last two decades, and still scream at the top of their lungs

when making foreign calls.

35. You have bed sheets on your sofas so as to keep them away from getting

dirty.

36. When dining out, you think Rs 10 is enough of a tip.

37. It's embarrassing if your wedding has less than 600 people.

38. You list your daughter as "fair and slim" in the matrimonial no matter

what she looks like.

39. You treat the NRI persons (especially from America) as if they are the

only persons living in this world (including YOU).

40. You've seen the ground while inside the lavatory of a train.

41. All your tupperware is stained with food color.

42. You have drinking glasses made of steel.

43. You have mastered the art of bargaining in shopping.

44. You have really enjoyed reading it.

[IC£MAN 0]

Hi Friends,

One of my Friends sent this to me, thought i would share it with you guys.

Top 27 unbelievable facts that people don't know.

27. The cigarette lighter was invented before the match.

26. The average chocolate bar has 8 insect legs in it.

25. Right-handed people live, on average, nine years longer than

left-handed people do.

24. Its impossible to smoke oneself to death with weed. You won't be

able to retain enough motor control and consciousness to do so after

such a large amount. (Common Sense)

23. Uncle Phil, from Fresh Prince of Bel-Air, did the voice of

Shredder in the TMNT cartoon.

22. Every drop of seawater contains approximately 1 billion gold atoms.

21. The US national anthem actually has three verses, but everyone

just knows the first one.

20. During World War II, IBM built the computers the Nazis used to

manage their death/concentration camps.

19. The total combined weight of the worlds ant population is heavier

than the weight of the human population.

18. The deadliest war in history excluding World War II was a civil

war in China in the 1850s in which the rebels were led by a man who

thought he was the brother of Jesus Christ.

17. Just about 3 people are born every second, and about 1.3333 people

die every second. The result is about a 2 and 2/3 net increase of

people every second. Almost 10 people more live on this Earth now,

than before you finished reading this.

16. Happy Birthday (the song) is copyrighted.

15. The number of people alive on earth right now is higher than the

number of all the people that have died. Ever.

14. The average American consumes 1.2 pounds of spider eggs a year and

eat 2.5 pounds of insect parts a year.

13. The Kamp Krusty episode of the Simpson's was originally meant to

be made as the Simpsons movie.

12. Men can breastfeed babies

11. There is a rare condition called Exploding Head Syndrome which

you've probably never heard of.

10. Scientists have determined that fungi are more closely related to

human beings and animals than to other plants.

9. In some (maybe all) Asian countries, the family name is written

first and the individual name written second (opposite of the America

method). That's why Asian athletes like Yao Ming and Ichiro Suzuki

have Yao and Ichiro written on their jerseys. Those are their family

names and in America their names are written Ming Yao and Suzuki

Ichiro.

8. Abe Lincoln bought 50 cents worth of cocaine in 1860

7. A German World War II submarine was sunk due to malfunction of the toilet.

6. Washington State has the longest single beach in the United States.

Long Beach, WA.

5. The largest living thing on the face of the Earth is a mushroom

underground in Oregon, it measures three and a half miles in diameter.

4. The town of Los Angeles, California, was originally named El Pueblo

la Nuestra Senora de Reina de los Angeles de la Porciuncula.

3. 9 out of 10 people believe Thomas Edison invented the light bulb.

This isn't true; Joseph Swan did.

2. Honey is the only food that does not spoil. Honey found in the

tombs of Egyptian pharaohs has been tasted by archaeologists and found

edible.

1. The Population of the world can live within the state boundaries of Texas.

Hope you guys like them, Boy ! some of them really amazed me.

Sorry i forgot the most improtant fact.

No Matter How much you post in the general chat section of Rimweb .... your post count will not increase LOL

<TOPIC MERGED!>

Edited November 29, 2005 by Vishal Gupta

[abhay 0]

hehe some of em are good ones! keep on posting some more like these!

dint get this one though

12. Men can breastfeed babies

how come this is possible

[IC£MAN 0]

Yes Abhay its true. It suprised me to .... Do a google search and u will be suprised LOL.

[Vishal Gupta 4]

Interesting facts dude!

And now u hv a nice siggy too

[IC£MAN 0]

Thanks for moving this in the right section Vishal .. Sorry for the trouble.

[Dilbert 0]

I never take risk while drinking

When I come from office in the evening, wife is cooking

I can hear the noise of utensils in the kitchen

I stealthily enter the house

Take out the bottle from my black cupboard

Shivaji Maharaj is looking at me from the photo frame

But still no one is aware of it

Becoz I never take a risk

I take out the glass from the rack above the old sink

Qucikly enjoy one peg

Wash the glass and again keep it on the rack

Of course I also keep the bottle inside my cupboard

Shivaji Maharaj is giving a smile

I peep into the kitchen

Wife is cutting potatoes

No one is aware of what I did

Becoz i never take a risk

I: Any news on Iyer's daughter's marriage

She: Nope, she doesn't seem to be that lucky. Still they are

looking out for her

I again come out; there is a small noise of the black cupboard

But I don't make any sound while taking out the bottle

I take out the glass from the old rack above sink

Quickly enjoy one peg

Wash the bottle and keep it in the sink

Also keep the Black Glass in the cupboard

But still no one is aware of what I did

Becoz I never take a risk

I: But still I think Iyer's daughter's age is not that much

She: What are you saying? She is 28 yrs old... like an aged

horse

I: (I forgot her age is 2 Oh Oh...

I again take out potatoes out from my black cupboard

But the cupboard's place has automatically changed

I take out the bottle from the rack and quickly enjoy one peg

in the sink

Shivaji Maharaj laughs loudly

I keep the rack in the potatoes & wash Shivaji Maharaj's photo

& keep it in the black cupboard

Wife is keeping the sink on the stove

But still no one is aware of what I did

Becoz I never take a risk

I: (getting angry) you call Mr. Iyer a horse? If you say that

again, I will cut your tongue...!

She: Don't just blabber something, go out and sit quietly...

I take out the bottle from the potatoes

Go in the black cupboard and enjoy a peg

Wash the sink and keep it over the rack

Wife is giving a smile

Shivaji Maharaj is still cooking

But still no one is aware of what I did

Becoz I never take a risk

I: (laughing) So Iyer is marrying a horse!!

She: Hey go and sprinkle some water on your face...

I again go to the kitchen, and quietly sit on the rack

Stove is also on the rack

There is a small noise of bottles from the room outside

I peep and see that wife is enjoying a peg in the sink

But none of the horses are aware of what i did

Becoz Shivaji Maharaj never takes a risk

Iyer is still cooking

And I am looking at my wife from the photo and laughing

Becoz i never take a risk .....hic!

[ashoksoft 83]

LOL !!!!!!! ha ha hah ha height of being drunk! hic

[IC£MAN 0]

1- Go to Google

2- Type in the word "Failure"

3- Instead of clicking "Google Search," click "I'm Feeling Lucky."

4-

5- Spread the word before the people at Google "fix" it

<TOPIC MERGED!>

Edited December 28, 2005 by Vishal Gupta