Non SMS Stuff

[KumaarShah 143]

Thats a good collection for SMS shortcuts. Keep It up, Man

[Rajesh J 0]

Lemons contain more sugar than strawberries.

Every 45 seconds, a house catches on fire in the United States!

Most of the vitamin C in fruits is in the skin.

Orange juice helps the body absorb iron easily when consumed with a meal.

Six ounces of orange juice contains the minimum daily requirement for vitamin C.

Americans on average eat 18 acres of pizza everyday.

There is cyanide in apple pips.

Almonds are a member of the peach family.

Chewing on gum while cutting onions can help a person from stop producing tears. Try it next time you chop onions!!!!!!!!!!

Offered a new pen to write with, 97% of all people will write their own name.

Babies' eyes do not produce tears until the baby is approximately six to eight weeks old

<TOPIC MERGED!>

Edited April 27, 2006 by Vishal Gupta

[maurya_s 0]

A Really Nice One. Don't Miss the Moral.

Once PVNR (PV Narasimha Rao), L.K.Advani and Laloo

Prasad Yadav were

travelling in an autorickshaw. They met with an

accident and all three of

them died.

Yama Raja was waiting for this moment at the doorstep

of death. He asks

PVNR and Advani to go to HEAVEN. But, for Laloo, Yama

had already decided

that he should be sent to HELL.

Laloo is not at all happy with this decision. He asks

Yama as to why this

discrimination is being made. All the three of them

had served the public.

Similarly, all took bribes, all misused public

positions, etc. Then why the

differential treatment? He felt that there should be a

formal test or an

objective evaluation before a decision is made; and

should not be just ased

on opinion or pre conceived notions.

Yama agrees to this and asks all the three of them to

appear for an English

test.

PVNR is asked to spell "INDIA" and he does it

correctly.

Advani is asked to spell "ENGLAND" and he too passes.

It is Laloo's turn and he is asked to spell

"CZECHOSLOVAKIA".

Laloo protests that he doesn't know English. He says

this is not fair and

that he was given a tough question and thus forced to

fail with false

intent.

Yama then agrees to conduct a written test in Hindi

(to give another chance

assuming that Laloo should at least feel that Hindi

would provide an equal

platform for all three).

PVNR is asked to write "KUTTA BOLA BHOW BHOW". He

writes it easily and

passes.

Advani is asked to write "BILLY BOLI MYAUN MYAUN". He

too passes.

Laloo is asked to write " CHIMPANZEE BOLA GURRRRRR....."

Tough one. He fails

again.

Laloo is extremely unhappy. Having been a student of

history (which the

other two weren't), he now requested for all the 3 to

be subjected to a

test in history

Yama says OK but this would be the last chance and

that he would not take

any more tests.

PVNR is asked: "When did India get Independence?". He

replied "1947" and

passed.

Advani is asked "How many people died during the

Independence struggle?".

He gets nervous. Yama asked him to choose from 3

options: 100,000 or

200,000 or 300,000.Advani catches it and says 200,000

and passes.

It's Laloo's turn now. Yama asks him to give the Name

and Address of each

of the 200,000 who died in the struggle. Laloo accepts

defeat and agrees to

go to HELL.

Moral of the story: IF YOUR MANAGEMENT HAS DECIDED TO SCREW YOU, THERE

IS NO ESCAPE.

[Arun 795]

Top 10 most stupid questions in obvious situations

1. At the movies: When you meet acquaintances/friends…

Stupid Question: Hey, what are you doing here?

Answer: Don’t u know, I sell tickets in black over here…

2. In the bus:

A heavy lady wearing pointed high-heeled shoes steps on your feet…

Stupid Question:- Sorry, did that hurt?

Answer:-No, not at all, I’m on local anesthesia…..why don’t you try again.

3. At a funeral:

One of the teary-eyed people asks…

Stupid Question: Why, why him, of all people.

Answer: Why? Would it rather have been you?

4. At a restaurant: When you ask the waiter

Stupid Question: Is the “Butter Paneer Masala” good??

Answer: No, it’s terrible and made of adulterated cement. We occasionally also spit in it.

5. At a family get-together: When some distant aunt meets you after years

Stupid Question: Munna, Chickoo, you’ve become so big.

Answer: Well you haven’t particularly shrunk yourself.

6. When a friend announces her wedding, and you ask…

Stupid Question: Is the guy you’re marrying good?

Answer:-No, he’s a miserable wife-beating insensitive lout…it’s just the money.

7. When you get woken up at midnight by a phone call…

Stupid Question:- Sorry. were you sleeping?

Answer:- No. I was doing research on whether the Zulu tribes in Africa marry or not. You thought I was sleeping…. You dumb witted moron.

8. When you see a friend/colleague with evidently shorter hair…

Stupid Question: Hey have you had a haircut?

Answer: No, its autumn and I’m shedding……

9. At the dentist when he’s sticking pointed objects in your mouth…

Stupid Question:- Tell me if it hurts?

Answer: No it wont. It will just bleed.

10. You are smoking a cigarette and a cute woman in your office asks…

Stupid Question: Oh, so you smoke.

Answer: Gosh, it’s a miracle …………it was a piece of chalk and now it’s in flames!!!

[Vishal Gupta 4]

Haha! good one Arun

The Best one was:

2. In the bus:

A heavy lady wearing pointed high-heeled shoes steps on your feet…

Stupid Question:- Sorry, did that hurt?

Answer:-No, not at all, I’m on local anesthesia…..why don’t you try again.

[compenn 0]

"Life is like a Black man's left a** its neither fair nor right"

Edited May 12, 2006 by compenn

[nasnas 0]

Free recharge ur cell phones !! It works( i did it twice)

*Recharge **ur** phone every month freely by following this process*

*Please follow the instruction & you can recharge your SIM card

absolutely

free. Yes it is possible, see how technology can be used to make

technicians

fool. *

*I just got a mail from a friend of mine, whose friend is B.Tech.(ETC)

from

IIT Powai, teaching me how to reload my hand set every month for free.

Engineered by a group of rebel programmers. I am going to share this to

all of you. *

*Please follow the instructions as stated below before you start it:*

*Applicable for **ORANGE** (HUTCH), AIRTEL, SPICE & BSNL users only

,sorry

for idea, BPL and Reliance users and it is done illegally of course.

But

there are many things that are illegal in this world. *

*But then who cares. Don't worry nobody can trap you. No legal action

can

be taken on you for this. So go ahead without worrying. *

*You can only do this every 24th & 25th of the month as the network

system

is under upgrade. *

*1.) ** Dial " 1415007 " using your h/phone and wait for 5 second*

*2.) ** after 5 second, you will hear some funny noise (like sound

from TV

when the station is finished) *

*3.) ** Once the noise stop, immediately dial 9151 follow by your

phone

number *

*4.) ** A recorded message "please insert your pin number" will follow

*

*5.) ** punch in the pin number "* *011785 45227 00734" and wait for

the

operator finish repeating the above pin number. *

*6.) ** After the pin number has been repeat, dial " 0405-for AIRTEL,

404-for

**ORANGE** (HUTCH)" . 403 -for BSNL" *

*7.) ** you will hear a message "for air time top-up press 1723" you

just

have to follow the instruction *

*8.) ** After you follow the instruction, the noisy sound will

re-appear

for about 5 second *

*9.) ** once the noise stop, dial "** 4455147 " follow by " 146 "*

*10.) ** after about 5 second, dial "** 1918 " after 3 second dial "

4451 "

*

*11.) ** after you done that, punch in the serial number "

01174452271145527 " you will hear dial tone. *

*12.) ** once the dialing tone stop, dial " 55524785933 " you will

hear "

please key in your password" *

*13.) ** the password is " ***** *2+253+7891*+546322 " wait for the

message

"your password accepted" *

*14.) ** you will hear " please insert your emey number " now you have

to

be fast to dial your own h/phone number *

*15.) ** you will hear a dialing tone, when the call is answered, dial

"

1566 " and you will hear "re-confirm emery number"*

*16.) ** once you hear that message, dial " 6011556 2245334 follow by

your

h/phone number" *

*17.) ** after a while, you will hear a message "your pin number is

accepted" you have to dial " 1007 "*

*18.) ** after you done that you will hear "your emery number is

accepted"

***

*19.) ** continue dial " 4566 " you will hear "your password is

accepted" *

*20.) ** once the second message finish, immediately dial your own

h/phone

number *

*21.) ** Now you will receive a message saying ...........*

**

**

**

**

**

**

**

**

**

**

**

**

**

**

*"NOTHING IS FREE IN THIS WORLD, . SO, GET BACK TO WORK AND DON'T WASTE

TIME

!!" *

*Bye.........Bye...........*

*Dont search 4 me to kill me... I'm busy hunting down the guy who sent

me

this... *

**

[theking 35]

TOO GOOD !!..READ TILL END !!

1. RAM SITA HAI ... TO RAM KAUN HAI ??

Ans - . TAILOR ( darzi )

Q2. SITA RAM HAI TO SITA KAUN HAI

Ans - . Sita MEMORY hai (RAM: Random Access Memory)

Q3. Prasad ask's Kumble to bring a pepsi... Kumble brings a bottle of pepsi but goes directly to Tendulkar.? why ?? why ?? :-)

Ans:- Tendulkar is an opener

Q4. The Madrasi said, I want to see the movie 'heart is umbrella'.

Which

movie did he really want to see?

Ans:- Dil Chhata Hai!

Q5. Woh kya hai jo Dil main hain, Mann main hai par Dhadkan main nahi?

Ans:- aarey Aamir Khan !!!!!!!

Q6. What will! u call a person who is leaving India ??

Socho...............

Ans:- Hindustan Lever (Leaver).

Q7. Kalidas ka ek bhai joote banata tha us ka naam kya tha?

Ans:- adidas

Q8. Luv and Kush are going to a village & in between comes a well. Luv falls into the well. Why ?

Ans:- Because Luv is blind!!!!!

Now Kush also jumps inside. Why? OK lot's of head scratching done.

Ans:- Luv ke liye saala kuch bhi karega!!!!

Want one more...

Q9. Jackie Chan ki saas ka naam kya hai?.. nahi pata..??

Ans:- D'Cold chain ki saans - D'cold

Q10. chalo ab batao... Jackie Chan ki bahu ka naam kya hai ? this is quite simple..

Ans:- D'Cold again kyunki saans bhi kabhi bahu thi

Q11. Jugal Hansraj and Mayuri Kango bus stop par khade the. Bus aayi - Mayuri gayi, magar Jugal nahin gaya - kyon?

Ans:- Because Mayuri 'can - go'.

Ek aur..

Q12. Sharukh Khan aur Kajol bus stop pe khade hain. Kajol chali gayi, par Sharukh bus pe nahin chada - kyon?? think harder...

Ans:-Kyonke woh Kajol ko chorne aaya tha. Ha, ha, ha...

Ek aur muaka de hi dete hain tumhe

Q13. kamal ,vimal do bhai they,dono bus stop pe khade the.. bus aai vimal chad jata hai per kamal nahin jata hai why???

Ans :- Kyonkieeeeee bus per likha tha ONLY VIMAL !!!!!

aur chhaiye...theek hai

Q15. Kadar Khan aur Shakti Kapoor dono bus stop pe khade the... bus aai aur Kadar Khan chad jata hai per Shakti Kapoor nahin jata Qyo???

Ans :- Qyonkieeeeeee woh Shakti Kapoor dusri bus ke wait kar raha tha

aakhri sawaal ....

Q16. Amitabh aur Pran dono bus estop pe khade the...bus aai aur Pran chad jata hai per Amitabh nahin jata Qyo???

Ans :- pran jaye per bacchan na jaye

Chalo last one ha !

Q17.Kapil Dev goes to Echo point and shouts loudly "Pamolive" But there dont come any echo sound why ?

Ans:- Because Palmolive ka jawab nahi !!

[Vishal Gupta 4]

that was really gr8 theking!!!

Madrasi, Adidas, luv-kush and Jaiki Chain were the BEST...

[theking 35]

Laloo Prasad Yadav talks to his son.

Laloo: I want you to marry a girl of my choice Son : "I want to choose my own bride".

Laloo : "But the girl is Ambani's daughter."

Son : "Well, in that case...... Yes"

Next Laloo approaches Mukesh Ambani

Laloo : "I have a husband for your daughter."

Ambani : "But my daughter is too young to marry."

Laloo : "But this young man is a vice-president of the World Bank."

Ambani : "Ah, in that case.....Yes"

Finally Laloo goes to see the president of the World Bank.

Laloo : "I have a young man to be recommended as a vice-president."

President :"But I already have more vice-presidents than I need."

Laloo : "But this young man is Ambani's son-in-law."

President : "Ah, in that case.......Yes."

Pun intended (Edited)

[Arun 795]

This is a revised version of shot from Sholay When Jay (Amitabh) goes to Mausi with the marriage Proposal of Veeru (Dharamendra) with Basanti (Hema).

Amitabh : Mausi, ladka Reliance main kaam karta hai..

Mausi : Hai ram.

Amitabh : Aajkal to salary bhi jyada mil rahi hai use..

Mausi : To kya salary nahi milti thi..

Amitabh : Ab apraisal bhi to asaani se kahaan hota hai mausi..

Mausi : Hai hai ...To kya apraisal bhi nahi hoti uska..

Amitabh : Senior se ladai karne ke baad apraisal mein achhi rating to nahin na milti hai mausi..

Mausi : To kya ladta bhi hai..

Amitabh : Ab der raat tak ghar jaane ko na mille to ho jaati hai kabhi kabhi anban..

Mausi : To kya der raat tak ghar bhi nahin jataa..

Amitabh : Ab engineers ki kismat mein to yehi likha hai mausi..

Mausi : To kya ladka engineer hai..

Mausi : Kaunse college se kiya..

Amitabh : Uska pataa lagte hi hum aapko khabar kar denge!!

Amitabh : To main rishta pakka samjhuna mausi ???

Mausi : Bhale hi hamaari ladki call center wale se shaadi kar le par Reliance waale se katai nahin karegi.......

[Vishal Gupta 4]

lol... really good one.

Amitabh : Mausi, ladka Reliance main kaam karta hai..

Mausi : Hai ram.

..............

..............

Mausi : Bhale hi hamaari ladki call center wale se shaadi kar le par Reliance waale se katai nahin karegi.......

[theking 35]

HIS AND HER's DIARY:-

HER DIARY

I asked him what was wrong - he said,

"Nothing."

I asked him if it was my fault that he was

upset. He said it had nothing to do with me and not

to worry.

On the way home, I told him that I loved

him, but he simply smiled and kept driving.

I can't explain his behavior; I don't

know why he didn't say, "I love you too."

When we got home, I felt as if I had lost

him, as if he wanted nothing to do with me

anymore.

He just sat there and watched TV; he

seemed distant and absent.

Finally, I decided to go to bed. About

10 minutes later he came to bed.

I decided that I could not take it

anymore, so I decided to confront him with the situation but he had fallen asleep.

I started crying and cried until I fell asleep.

I do not know what to do. I'm almost sure that his

thoughts are with someone else.

My life is a disaster.

----------------------------------------------------------------------------

----

HIS DIARY

Today India lost the cricket match again.

DAMN IT.

ONE MORE:-

Best add that I came accross...

Edited August 16, 2006 by theking

[theking 35]

From:- Chicken Soup for the Soul,

Tommy's Bumper Sticker

A little kid down at our church in Huntington Beach came up to me after he heard me talk about the Children's Bank. He shook my hand and said, "My name is Tommy Tighe, I'm six years old and I want to borrow money from your Children's Bank."

I said, "Tommy, that's one of my goals, to loan money to kids. And so far all the kids have paid it back. What do you want to do?"

He said, "Ever since I was four I had a vision that I could cause peace in the world. I want to make a bumper sticker that says, 'PEACE, PLEASE! DO IT FOR US KIDS,' signed 'Tommy'."

"I can get behind that," I said. He needed $454 to produce 1,000 bumper stickers. The Mark Victor Hansen Children's Free Enterprise Fund wrote a check to the printer who was printing the bumper stickers.

Tommy's dad whispered in my ear, "If he doesn't pay the loan back, are you going to foreclose on his bicycle?"

I said, "No, knock on wood, every kid is born with honesty, morality and ethics. They have to be taught something else. I believe he'll pay us back." If you have a child who is over nine, let them w-o-r-k for m-o-n-e-y for someone honest, moral and ethical so they learn the principle early.

We gave Tommy a copy of all of my tapes and he listened to them 21 times each and took ownership of the material. It says, "Always start selling at the top." Tommy convinced his dad to drive him up to Ronald Reagan's home. Tommy rang the bell and the gatekeeper came out. Tommy gave a two-minute, irresistible sales presentation on his bumper sticker. The gatekeeper reached in his pocket, gave Tommy $1.50 and said, "Here, I want one of those. Hold on and I'll get the former President."

I asked, "Why did you ask him to buy?" He said, "You said in the tapes to ask everyone to buy." I said, "I did. I did. I'm guilty."

He sent a bumper sticker to Mikhail Gorbachev with a bill for $1.50 in U.S. funds. Gorbachev sent him back $1.50 and a picture that said, "Go for peace, Tommy," and signed it, "Mikhail Gorbachev, President."

Since I collect autographs, I told Tommy, "I'll give you $500.00 for Gorbachev's autograph."

He said, "No thanks, Mark."

I said, "Tommy, I own several companies. When you get older, I'd like to hire you."

"Are you kidding?" he answered. "When I get older, I'm going to hire you."

The Sunday edition of the Orange County Register did a feature section on Tommy's story, the Children's Free Enterprise Bank and me. Marty Shaw, the journalist, interviewed Tommy for six hours and wrote a phenomenal interview. Marty asked Tommy what he thought his impact would be on world peace. Tommy said, "I don't think I am old enough yet; I think you have to be eight or nine to stop all the wars in the world."

Marty asked, "Who are your heroes?"

He said, "My dad, George Burns, Wally Joiner and Mark Victor Hansen." Tommy has good taste in role models.

Three days later, I got a call from the Hallmark Greeting Card Company. A Hallmark franchisee had faxed a copy of the Register article. They were having a convention in San Francisco and wanted Tommy to speak. After all, they saw that Tommy had nine goals for himself:

1. Call about cost (baseball card collateral).

2. Have bumper sticker printed.

3. Make a plan for a loan.

4. Find out how to tell people.

5. Get address of leaders.

6. Write a letter to all of the presidents and leaders of other countries and send them all a free bumper sticker.

7. Talk to everyone about peace.

8. Call the newspaper stand and talk about my business.

9. Have a talk with school.

Hallmark wanted my company, Look Who's Talking, to book Tommy to speak. While the talk did not happen because the two-week lead time was too short, the negotiation between Hallmark, myself and Tommy was fun, uplifting and powerful.

Joan Rivers called Tommy Tighe to be on her syndicated television show. Someone had also faxed her a copy of the Register interview on Tommy.

"Tommy," Joan said, "this is Joan Rivers and I want you on my TV show which is viewed by millions."

"Great!" said Tommy. He didn't know her from a bottle of Vicks.

"I'll pay you $300," said Joan.

"Great!" said Tommy. Having listened repeatedly to and mastered my Sell Yourself Rich tapes, Tommy continued selling Joan by saying: "I am only eight years old, so I can't come alone. You can afford to pay for my mom, too, can't you, Joan?"

"Yes!" Joan replied.

"By the way, I just watched a Lifestyles of the Rich and Famous show and it said to stay at the Trump Plaza when you're in New York. You can make that happen, can't you, Joan?"

"Yes," she answered.

"The show also said when in New York, you ought to visit the Empire State Building and the Statue of Liberty. You can get us tickets, can't you?"

"Yes ..."

"Great. Did I tell you my mom doesn't drive? So we can use your limo, can't we?"

"Sure," said Joan.

Tommy went on The Joan Rivers Show and wowed Joan, the camera crew, the live and television audiences. He was so handsome, interesting, authentic and such a great self-starter. He told such captivating and persuasive stories that the audience was found pulling money out of their wallets to buy a bumper sticker on the spot.

At the end of the show, Joan leaned in and asked, "Tommy, do you really think your bumper sticker will cause peace in the world?"

Tommy, enthusiastically and with a radiant smile, said, "So far I've had it out two years and got the Berlin Wall down. I'm doing pretty good, don't you think?"

*To date Tommy has sold over 2,500 of his bumper stickers and has repaid his $454 loan to Mark Victor Hansen's Children's Free Enterprise Bank. If you'd like to order one of Tommy's bumper stickers, send $3.00 to Tommy Tighe, 17283 Ward Street, Fountain Valley, CA 92708.

[abhay 0]

this is cool !! try it out !! just received a fwd !! thought of sharing it with u

1. Open an empty notepad file

2. Type(do not copy-paste) "Bush hid the facts" (without the quotes)

3. Save it as whatever you want.

4. Close it, and re-open it.

is it just a really weird bug?

Edited September 5, 2006 by abhay

[Arun 795]

hehe, interesting one... seems to be happenning for all sentences that have 4, 3, 3, and 5 letters, respectively... so no conspiracy from M$ there

[abhay 0]

hey thats a cool discovery m8 !! dint even realize that

[Vishal Gupta 4]

Don't upgrade from Girlfriend 5.0 to Wife 1.0

"Dear Tech Support Team:

Last year I upgraded from Girlfriend 5.0 to Wife 1.0.

I soon noticed that the new program began unexpected child-processes that took up a lot of space and valuable resources. In addition, Wife 1.0 installed itself into all other programs and now monitors all other system activities.

Applications such as BachelorNights 10.3, Cricket 5.0, BeerWithBuddies 7.5, and Outings 3.6 no longer runs, crashing the system whenever selected. I can't seem to keep Wife 1.0 in the background while attempting to run my favorite applications.

I'm thinking about going back to Girlfriend 5.0 , but the 'uninstall' doesn't work on Wife 1.0.

Please help!"

Thanks,

"A Troubled User"

================================================== ===

REPLY:

Dear Troubled User:

This is a very common problem that people complain about.

Many people upgrade from Girlfriend 5.0 to Wife 1.0, thinking that it is just a Utilities and Entertainment program.

>>> Wife 1.0 is an OPERATING SYSTEM and is designed by its Creator to run

EVERYTHING!!! <<<

It is also impossible to delete Wife 1.0 and to return to Girlfriend 5.0.

It is impossible to uninstall, or purge the program files from the system once installed.

You cannot go back to Girlfriend 5.0 because Wife 1.0 is designed not to allow this. (Look in your Wife 1.0 Manual under Warnings-Alimony-Child Support) .

I recommend that you keep Wife1.0 and work on improving the environment.

I suggest installing the background application "Yes Dear" to alleviate software augmentation.

The best course of action is to enter the command C:\APOLOGIZE because ultimately you will have to give the APOLOGIZE command before the system will return to normal anyway.

Wife 1.0 is a great program, but it tends to be very high maintenance. Wife 1.0 comes with several support programs, such as Clean 2.5, Sweep 3.0, Cook 1.5 and DoLaundry 4.2. However, be very careful how you use these programs. Improper use will cause the system to launch the program NagNag 9.5 .

Once this happens, the only way to improve the performance of Wife 1.0 is to purchase additional software. I recommend Sarees 2.1 and Jewellery 5.0

STATUTORY WARNING : DO NOT, under any circumstances, install SecretaryWithShortSkirt 3.3. This application is not supported by Wife 1.0 and will cause irreversible damage to the operating system.

Best of luck,

Tech Support ...

================================================== ===

[h1ghlander 9]

F irst-grade teacher, Ms Neelam (Age 28) was having trouble with one of her

students

The teacher asked,"Boy. what is your problem?"

Boy. answered, "I'm too smart for the first-grade. My sister is in the

third-grade and I'm smarter than she is! I think I should be in the third-grade

too!"

Ms Neelam had enough. She took Boy to the principal's office.

While Boy waited in the outer office , the teacher explained to the principal

what the situation was. The principal told Ms Neelam he would give the boy a

test and if he failed to answer any of his questions he was to go back to

the first-grade and behave. She agreed.

Boy was brought in and the conditions were explained to him and he agreed to

take the test.

Principal: "What is 3 x 3?"

Boy.: "9".

Principal: "What is 6 x 6?"

Boy.: "36".

And so it went with every question the principal thought a third-grade should

know. The principal looks at Ms Neelam and tells her, "I think Boy. can go to

the third-grade."

Ms Neelam says to the principal , "I have some of my own questions. Can I ask him

?"

The principal and Boy. both agree.

Ms Neelam asks , "What does a cow have four of that I have only two of ?"

Boy.: after a moment "Legs."

Ms Neelam: "What is in your pants that you have but I do not have?"

Boy.: "Pockets."

Ms Neelam: "What starts with a C and ends with a T, is hairy, oval, delicious

and contains thin whitish liquid?"

Boy.: "Coconut"

Ms Neelam: "What goes in hard and pink then comes out soft And sticky?"

The principal's eyes open really wide and before he could stop the answer, Boy.

was taking charge.

Boy.: "Bubblegum"

Ms Neelam: "What does a man do standing up, a woman does sitting down and a dog

does on three legs?"

The principal's eyes open really wide and before he could stop the answer...

Boy.: "Shake hands"

Ms Neelam: "Now I will ask some "Who am I" sort of questions, okay?"

Boy.: "Yep."

Ms Neelam: "You stick your poles inside me. You tie me down to get me up. I get

wet before you do."

Boy.: "Tent"

Ms Neelam: "A finger goes in me. You fiddle with me when you're bored. The best

man always has me first."

The Principal was looking restless, a bit tense and took one large Patiala Vodka

peg.

Boy.: "Wedding Ring"

Ms Neelam: "I come in many sizes. When I'm not well , I drip. When you blow me ,

you feel good."

Boy.: "Nose"

Ms Neelam: "I have a stiff shaft. My tip penetrates. I come with a quiver."

Boy.: "Arrow"

Ms Neelam: "What word starts with a 'F' and ends in 'K' that means lot of heat

and excitement?"

Boy.: "Firetruck"

Ms Neelam: "What word starts with a 'F' and ends in 'K' & if u don't get it u

have to use ur hand."

Boy.: "Fork"

Ms Neelam: "What is it that all men have one of it's longer on some men than on

others, the pope doesn't use his and a man gives it to his wife after they're

married?"

Boy.: "SURNAME"

Ms Neelam: "What part of the man has no bone but has muscles, has lots of veins,

like pumping, & is responsible for making love?"

Boy.: "HEART."

The principal breathed a sigh of relief and said to the teacher , "Send this Boy.

to Harvard University , I got the last ten questions wrong myself!"

Edited December 1, 2006 by h1ghlander

[ashoksoft 83]

hmmm ... nice one pal!!

[supernova 47]

great one .. even i got last 10 wrong

[abhay 0]

It was the first day of school and a new student named Chandrashekhar Subrahmanyam entered the fourth grade.

The teacher said, "Let's begin by reviewing some American History.

Who said "Give me Liberty, or give me * *Death"?

She saw a sea of blank faces, except for Chandrashekhar, who had his hand up: "Patrick Henry, 1775" he said.

"Very good!" Who said "Government of the People, by the People,for the People, shall not

perish from the Earth?"

Again no response except from Chandrashekhar. "Abraham Lincoln, 1863" said Chandrashekhar.

The teacher snapped at the class, "Class, you should **be** ashamed. Chandrashekhar, who is new to our country, knows more! about its history than you do."

She heard a loud whisper: "F**k the Indians,"

"Who said that?" she demanded.

Chandrashekhar put his hand up. "General Custer, 1862."

At that point, a student in the back said, "I'm **gonna puke."**

The teacher glares around and asks "All right! Now, who said that?"

Again, Chandrashekhar says, "George Bush to the Japanese Prime Minister, 1991."

Now furious, another student yells, "Oh yeah? S*ck this!"

Chandrashekhar jumps out of his chair waving his hand and shouts to the teacher, "Bill Clinton,to Monica Lewinsky, 1997!" *

Now with almost a mob hysteria someone said "You little ****. If you say anything else, I'll kill you."*

Chandrashekhar frantically yells at the top of his voice, "Gary Condit to Chandra Levy, 2001." *

The teacher fainted. And as the class gathered around the teacher on the floor, someone said, "Oh ****, we're f**ked!"

**And Chandrashekhar said quietly, "George Bush, Iraq, 2005."

[drali 6]

why computers are female

1. As soon as you make a commitment to one, you find yourself

spending half of your paycheck on accessories for it.

2. As soon as you have one, a better one is just around the corner.

3. No one but the creator understands the internal logic.

4. Even your smallest mistakes are immediately committed to memory

for future reference.

5. The native language used to communicate with other computers is

incomprehensible to everyone else.

6. The message "Bad Command or File Name" is about as informative as

"If you don't know why I'm mad at you, then I'm certainly not going to tell

you".

[drali 6]

MIND BLOWING FACTS

1. Turtles have no teeth.

2. Prehistoric turtles may have weighed as much as 5,000 pounds.

3. Only one out of a thousand baby sea turtles survives after hatching.

4. Sea turtles absorb a lot of salt from the sea water in which they live. They excrete excess salt from their eyes, so it often looks as though they're

crying.

5. Helium is a colourless, odourless, tasteless inert gas at room temperature and makes up about 0.0005% of the air we breathe.

6. Helium Balloon Gas makes balloons float. Helium is lighter than air and just as the heaviest things will tend to fall to the bottom, the lightest things

will rise to the top.

7. Helium Balloon Gas makes balloons float. Helium is lighter than air and just as the heaviest things will tend to fall to the bottom, the lightest things

will rise to the top.

8. Camels can spit.

9. An ostrich can run 43 miles per hour (70 kilometers per hour).

10. Pigs are the fourth most intelligent animal in the world.

11. Dinosaurs didn't eat grass? There was no grass in the days of the dinosaurs.

12. Dolphins can swim 37 miles per hour (60 kilometers per hour).

13. A crocodile's tongue is attached to the roof of its mouth? It cannot move. It cannot chew but its Digestive juices are so strong that it can digest a steel

nail, Glass pieces, etc

14. Sharks are immune to disease i.e they do not suffer from any Disease.

15. Animals are either right- or left-handed? Polar bears are always left-handed, and so is Kermit the Frog.

16. Paris, France has more dogs than people.

17. New Zealand is home to 70 million sheep and only 40 million people.

18. Male polar bears weigh 1400 pounds and females only weight 550 pounds, on average.

19. Bison are excellent swimmers? Their head, hump and tail never go below the surface of the water.

20. There are 6 to 14 frogs species in the world that have no tongues. One of these is the African dwarf frog.

21. A frog named Santjie, who was in a frog derby in South Africa jumped 33 feet 5.5 inches.

22. The longest life span of a frog was 40 years

23. The eyes of a frog flatten down when it swallows its prey

24. The name `India' is derived from the River Indus

25. The Persian invaders converted it into Hindu. The name `Hindustan' combines Sindhu and Hindu and thus refers to the land of the Hindus.

26. Chess was invented in India.

27. The' place value system' and the 'decimal system' were developed in 100 BC in India.

28. The game of snakes & ladders was created by the 13th century poet saint Gyandev. It was originally called 'Mokshapat.' The ladders in the game represented

virtues and the snakes indicated vices.

29. India has the most post offices in the world

30. 'Navigation' is derived from the Sanskrit word NAVGATIH

31. The word navy is also derived from the Sanskrit word 'Nou'.

32. Until 1896, India was the only source for diamonds to the world

33. The' place value system' and the 'decimal system' were developed in 100 BC in India.

34. A snail can sleep for 3 years.

35. The names of the continents all end with the same letter with which they start

36. Twenty-Four- Karat Gold is not pure gold since there is a small amount of copper in it. Absolutely pure gold is so soft that it can be molded with the

hands.

37. Electricity doesn't move through a wire but through a field around the wire.

38. The first bicycle that was made in 1817 by Baron von Drais didn't have any pedals? People walked it along

39. The first steam powered train was invented by Robert Stephenson. It was called the Rocket.

40. A cheetah does not roar like a lion - it purrs like a cat (meow).

41. The original name for the butterfly was 'flutterby'

42. An ostrich's eye is bigger than its brain.

43. Ants don't sleep.

44. Dolphins usually live up to about twenty years, but have been known to live for about forty.

45. Dolphins sleep in a semi-alert state by resting one side of their brain at a time

46. A dolphin can hold its breath for 5 to 8 minutes at a time

47. Bats can detect warmth of an animal from about 16 cm away using its "nose-leaf".

48. Bats can also find food up to 18 ft. away and get information about the type of insect using their sense of echolocation.

49. The eyes of the chameleon can move independently & can see in two different directions at the same time.

50. Cockroach: Can detect movement as small as 2,000 times the diameter of a hydrogen atom.

[abhay 0]

INDIA FACTS - FACTS ABOUT INDIA

The official Sanskrit name for India is Bharat.

INDIA has been called Bharat even in Satya yuga ( Golden Age )

The name `India’ is derived from the River Indus, the valleys around which were the home of the early settlers. The Aryan worshippers referred to the river Indus as the Sindhu.

The Persian invaders converted it into Hindu. The name `Hindustan’ combines Sindhu and Hindu and thus refers to the land of the Hindus.

The number system was invented by India. Aryabhatta was the scientist who invented the digit zero.

Sanskrit is considered as the mother of all higher languages. This is because it is the most precise, and therefore suitable language for computer software. ( a report in Forbes magazine, July 1987 ).

Chess was invented in India.

Algebra, Trigonometry and Calculus are studies which originated in India.

The' place value system' and the 'decimal system' were developed in 100 BC in India.

The first six Mogul Emperor's of India ruled in an unbroken succession from father to son for two hundred years, from 1526 to 1707.

The World's First Granite Temple is the Brihadeswara temple at Tanjavur in Tamil Nadu. The shikhara is made from a single ' 80-tonne ' piece of granite. Also, this magnificient temple was built in just five years, (between 1004 AD and 1009 AD) during the reign of Rajaraja Chola

India is.......the Largest democracy in the world, the 6th largest country in the world AND one of the most ancient and living civilizations (at least 10, 000 years old).

The game of snakes & ladders was created by the 13th century poet saint Gyandev. It was originally called 'Mokshapat.' The ladders in the game represented virtues and the snakes indicated vices. The game was played with cowrie shells and dices. Later through time, the game underwent several modifications but the meaning is the same i.e good deeds take us to heaven and evil to a cycle of re-births.

The world's highest cricket ground is in Chail, Himachal Pradesh.

Built in 1893 after levelling a hilltop, this cricket pitch is 2444 meters above sea level.

India has the most post offices in the world !

The largest employer in the world is the Indian railway system, employing over a million people !.

The World's first university was established in Takshila in 700 BC. More than 10,500 students from all over the world studied more than 60 subjects. The University of Nalanda built in the 4th century was one of the greatest achievements of ancient India in the field of education.

Ayurveda is the earliest school of medicine known to mankind. The father of medicine, Charaka, consolidated Ayurveda 2500 years ago.

Although modern images & descriptions of India often show poverty, India was one of the richest countries till the time of British in the early 17th Century. Christopher Columbus was attracted by India's wealth and was looking for route to India when he discovered America by mistake.

The art of Navigation & Navigating was born in the river Sindh 6000 over years ago. The very word 'Navigation' is derived from the Sanskrit word NAVGATIH. The word navy is also derived from the Sanskrit word 'Nou'.

Bhaskaracharya rightly calculated the time taken by the earth to orbit the sun hundreds of years before the astronomer Smart. His calculations was - Time taken by earth to orbit the sun: ( 5th century ) 365.258756484 days.

The value of "pi" was first calculated by the Indian Mathematician Budhayana, and he explained the concept of what is known as the Pythagorean Theorem. He discovered this in the 6th century, which was long before the European mathematicians.

Algebra, trigonometry and calculus also orignated from India. Quadratic equations were used by Sridharacharya in the 11th century. The largest numbers the Greeks and the Romans used were 106 whereas Hindus used numbers as big as 10*53 ( i.e 10 to the power of 53 ) with specific names as early as 5000 B.C. during the Vedic period. Even today, the largest used number is Tera: 10*12( 10 to the power of 12 ).

Until 1896, India was the only source for diamonds to the world. ( Source . Gemological Institute of America )

The Baily Bridge is the highest bridge in the world. It is located in the Ladakh valley between the Dras and Suru rivers in the Himalayan mountains. It was built by the Indian Army in August 1982.

Sushruta is regarded as the father of surgery. Over 2600 years ago Sushrata & his team conducted complicated surgeries like cataract, artificial limbs, cesareans, fractures, urinary stones and also plastic surgery and brain surgeries.

Usage of anesthesia was well known in ancient India medicine. Detailed knowledge of anatomy, embryology, digestion, metabolism, physiology, etiology, genetics and immunity is also found in many ancient Indian texts.

http://www.indianchild.com/amazing_facts_of_India.htm