Non SMS Stuff

[drali 6]

bahut badiya kunal.keep it up!

[Kunal Hemrajani 1]

Tanxx..Drali..

Hea is another one..

COMMON SENSE IS NOT COMMON

A computer maker is considering changing the command "Press Any Key" because of the flood of calls asking where the "Any" key is. AST technical support had a called complaining that her mouse was hard to control with the dust cover on. The cover turned out to be the plastic bag the mouse was packaged in.

Another support technician recieved a call from a man complaining that the system wouldn''t read word processing files from his old diskettes. After trouble-shooting for magnets and heat failed to diagnose the problem, it was found that the customer labeled the diskettes then rolled them into the typewriter to type the labels.

Another customer was asked to send a copy of her defective diskettes. A few days later a letter arrived from the customer along with Xeroxed copies of the disk.

A computer technician advised his customer to put his troubled floppy back in the drive and close the door. The customer asked the tech to hold on, and was heard putting the phone down, getting up crossing the room to close the door to his room.

Another customer called to say he couldn''t get his computer to fax anything. After 40 minutes of trouble-shooting, the technician discovered the man was trying to fax a piece of paper by holding it in front of the monitor screen and hiting the "send" key.

Another customer needed help setting up a new program, so a Dell tech suggested he go to the local Egghead. "yeah, I got me a couple of friends," the customer replied. When told Egghead was a software store, the man said,"Oh, I thought you meant for me to find a couple of geeks."

Yet another customer called to complain that his keyboard no longer worked. He had clearned it by filling up his tub with soap and water and soaking the keyboard for a day, then removing all the keys and washing them individually.

A technician recieved a call from a customer who was enraged because his computer had told him he was "bad and an invalid." The tech explained that the computer''s "bad command" and "invalid" responses shouldn''t be taken personally.

An exasperated caller to Computer Tech Support couldn''t get her new Computer to turn on. After ensuring the computer was plugged in, the technician asked her what happened when she pushed the power button. Her response, "I pushed and pushed on the foot pedal and nothing happens." The "foot pedal" turned out to be the computer''s mouse.

Another customer called tech support to say her brand-new computer wouldn''t work. She said she unpacked the unit, plugged it in, and sat there for 20 minutes waiting for something to happen. When asked what happened when she pressed the power switch, she asked "What power switch?"

[Kunal Hemrajani 1]

Well u all must b knowing Navjot Singh Siddu..

he is more famous for his comments rather for his cricket..

SIDHUISMS(his comments r commonly known as sidhuisms)

1. The way Indian wickets are falling reminds of the cycle stand at Rajendra Talkies in Patiala...one falls and everything else falls!

2. That ball went so high it could have got an air hostess down with it.

3. Wickets are like wives - you never know which way they will turn!

4. The third umpires should be changed as often as nappies and for the same reason

5. I lean on statistics like a drunken man leans on a lamppost, only for support, not illumination

6. The Only Thing You Get In Life Without Trying is dandruff

7. Nobody travels on the road to success without a puncture or two.

8. Age has been perfect fire extinguisher for flaming youth.

9. Sri Lankan score is running like an Indian taxi meter.

10. He is like Indian three-wheeler which will drink a lot of diesel but cannot go beyond 30!

Edited January 9, 2007 by kunal hemrajani

[Arun 795]

Get more Sidhuisms here

[Kunal Hemrajani 1]

thanx...Arun i was searching for all of the Sidhuisms..but u got it..thanx...

[theking 35]

Know Your Body

The human body is made of about 50 trillion cells.

There are about 100 billion neurons in the brain.

The heart beats about 100,000 times a day in an adult male.

The heart of an adult male pumps about 13,630 liters of blood --enough to fill 38,943 cans of Coke -- in a day.

There are 100,000 miles (160,000 kms.) of blood vessels in an adult -- enough to circle the earth four times.

The average human eye blinks about 20,000 times every day.

The average human produces about 10,000 gallons (37,800 liters) of saliva in a lifetime.

The fastest sneeze has been timed at over 103 mph (166 kph).

There are about 75,000 hairs on your head.

The average Olympic athlete consumes 6,000 calories in a day.

There is enough carbon in your body to fill 900 pencils.

There is enough fat in your body to make 75 candles.

There is enough phosphorus in your body to make 220 match heads.

There is enough iron in your body to make a 3 inch (7.6 cm.) nail.

The unaided human eye can distinguish 10,000,000 different color surfaces.

The fastest messages transmitted by the human nervous system can travel at 180 mph (290 kph).

2,533 objects were removed from the stomach of Mrs. H., who complained of a "slight abdominal pain", in Ontario, Canada.

[KumaarShah 143]

I dont know if the following is posted here already. If it has been, my apologies to the poster and to fellow RIMwebians.

A man dies and goes to hell. There he finds that there is a different hell for each country. He goes to the German hell and asks, "What do they do here?" He told,"First they put you in an electric chair for An hour. Then they lay you on a bed of nails for another hour. Then The German devil comes in and beats you for the rest of the day."

The man does not like the sound of that at all,so he moves on. He checks out the USA hell as well as the Russian hell and many more. He discovers that they are all more or less the same as the German hell.

Then he comes to the Indian hell and finds that there is a long line of people waiting to get in. Amazed, he asks, "What do they do here?" He told, "First they put you in an electric chair for an hour. Then they lay you on a bed of nails for another hour. Then the Indian devil comes in and beats you for the rest of the day." "But that is exactly the same as all the other hells - why are there so many people waiting to get in?"

"Because maintenance is so bad that the electric chair does not work,someone has stolen all the nails from the bed, and the devil is a former Govt servant, so he comes in, signs the register and then goes to the canteen!!!!!!

Edited January 10, 2007 by khs123

[drali 6]

good one shah! Now answer this

this question was asked in a psychology class:

A woman, while at the funeral of her own mother, met a man whom she did not know. She thought this man was amazing, the man of her dreams, so much so that she fell in love with him right there but never asked for his number and could not find him. A few days later she killed her sister.

Question: What is her motive in killing her sister?

share us your analysis. ill give you the answer and the meaning later..

[KumaarShah 143]

Ali,

I have read this one a few years back. I dont recollect the answer right now. But i will try as follows: -

1. The lady in question is a psycopathic killer.

2. she suspects the sister to be in love with the dream man.

I hope the answers are correct.

And yes finally, I presume you will brand me also as the lady - a psycopathic killer. Ha Ha Ha

[Kunal Hemrajani 1]

World Cup

Brazil last won the world cup in 1994. Before that they won it in 1970. Add 1970 and 1994, it equals 3964.

Germany last won in 1990. Before that they won in 1974. Add 1990 and 1974, it equals 3964.

Argentina last won the world cup in 1986. Before that they won it in 1978. Add 1978 and 1986, it equals 3964.

So going by this logic, The winner of the 2002 world cup is the same as the 3964 - 2002 = 1962 world cup. The 1962 world cup was won by Brazil. It was really Brazil who won!!!

[drali 6]

Ali,

I have read this one a few years back. I dont recollect the answer right now. But i will try as follows: -

1. The lady in question is a psycopathic killer.

2. she suspects the sister to be in love with the dream man.

I hope the answers are correct.

And yes finally, I presume you will brand me also as the lady - a psycopathic killer. Ha Ha Ha

Na..na u r wrong man.socho or socho.

[theking 35]

drali2

good one shah! Now answer this

this question was asked in a psychology class:

A woman, while at the funeral of her own mother, met a man whom she did not know. She thought this man was amazing, the man of her dreams, so much so that she fell in love with him right there but never asked for his number and could not find him. A few days later she killed her sister.

Question: What is her motive in killing her sister?

share us your analysis. ill give you the answer and the meaning later..

-So that the killer could again come on the funeral and she could meet him

[drali 6]

-So that the killer could again come on the funeral and she could meet him

well done theking thats d best answer!

[theking 35]

anytime drali2

Great One Liners for ya on that note!!

· Light at the end of the tunnel has been switched off as a part of cost cutting!

· There are some things that money can't buy. For everything else, my salary isn't sufficient!!

· I always try to go the extra mile at work, but my boss always finds me and brings me back.

· They can't fire me, slaves have to be sold.

· Home is where the television is.

· Before borrowing money from a friend, decide which you need more.

· Death is hereditary.

· Many things can be preserved in alcohol. Dignity is not one of them.

· Never argue with a fool. People might not know the difference.

· When you're right, no one remembers. When you're wrong, no one forgets.

· Experience is what a comb gives you after you lose your hair.

· Well done is better than well said.

· Everyone makes mistakes. The trick is to make them when nobody is looking.

· Always borrow money from a pessimist. He won't expect it back.

· You're not drunk if you can lie on the floor without holding on.

· I like work. It fascinates me. I can sit and look at it for hours.

· If you can't see the bright side of life, polish the dull side.

· Pessimist: A person that looks both ways when crossing a one way street.

· The light at the end of the tunnel is the headlamp of an approaching train.

· Where there's a will there are five hundred relatives.

· I have a drinking problem - I can't afford it.

· Everybody wants to go to heaven, but nobody wants to die.

· Everyone should have a spouse, because there are a number of things that go wrong that one can't blame on the government.

· There are three sides to every argument: your side, my side and the right side.

· An expert is someone who takes a subject you understand and makes it sound confusing.

[abhay 0]

really really creative trailer of UPCOMING movie titanic II : two the surface

<< its creativity @ its best

guess which recent hindi song is a copy of this English classic

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=MWXi3o63498

Edited January 18, 2007 by abhay

[KumaarShah 143]

Rules for Bedroom Golf

Each player shall furnish his own equipment, normally one club and two balls.

Playing on a course must be approved by the owner of the hole.

Unlike outdoor golf, the object is to get the club in the hole and keep the balls out of the hole.

For most effective play, the club should have a firm shaftCourse owners are permitted to check shaft stiffness before play begins.

Course owners reserve the right to restrict the length of the club to avoid damage to the hole.

The object of the game is take as many strokes as necessary until the course owner is satisfied that play is complete. Failure to do so may result in being denied permission to play the course again.

It is considered bad form to begin playing the hole immediately upon arrival at the course. The experienced player will take time to admire the course, with special attention to the well-formed bunkers.

Players are cautioned not to mention other courses they have played on or are currently playing.

Players are encouraged to have proper rain gear along, just in case.

Players should assure themselves that their match has been properly scheduled, particularly when a new course is being played for the first time. Previous players have been known to become irate if they discover someone else playing what they consider to be a private course.

Players should not assume a course is in shape for play at all times. Some players may be embarrassed if they find the course to be temporarily under repairPlayers are advised to be extremely tactful in this situation. More advanced players will find alternate means of play when this is the case.

Players are advised to obtain the course owner's permission before attempting to play the back nine.

Slow play is encouraged; however, players should be prepared to proceed at a quicker pace, at least temporarily, at the owner's request.

It is considered outstanding performance, time permitting, to play the same hole several times in one match.

The course owner will be the sole judge of who is the best player.

Players are advised to think twice before considering membership at a given course. Additional assessments may be levied by the course owner and the rules are subject to change without noticeFor this reason, many players prefer to continue to play several different courses.

Bullets

A woman pregnant with triplets was walking down the street when a masked robber ran out of a bank and shot her three times in the stomach.

Luckily the babies were OK. The surgeon decided to leave the bullets in because it was too risky to operate.

She gave birth to two healthy daughters and a healthy son.

All was fine for 16 years, and then one daughter walked into the room in tears.

"What's wrong?" asked the mother.

"I was taking a tinkle and this bullet came out," replied the daughter. The mother told her it was okay and explained what happened 16 years ago.

About a week later the second daughter walked into the room in tears. "Mom, I was taking a tinkle and this bullet came out."

Again the mother told her not to worry and explained what happened 16 years ago.

A week later her son walked into the room in tears. "It's okay" said the Mom, "I know what happened. You were taking a tinkle and a bullet came out."

"No," said the boy, "I was having a w * nk and shot the cat."

I KNOW YOU SMILED !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Alternative to Surgery

After having their 11th child, an Irish couple decided that that was enough, as they couldn't afford a larger bed. So the husband went to his doctor and told him that he and his wife didn't want to have any more children.

The doctor told him there was a procedure called a vasectomy that would fix the problem but it was expensive. A less costly alternative was to go home, get a large firecracker, light it, put it in a beer can, then hold the can up to his ear and count to 10.

The husband said to the doctor, "B'Jayz man, I may not be the smartest guy in the world, but I don't see how putting a firework in a beer can next to my ear is going to help me with my problem."

"Trust me, it will do the job", said the doctor. So the man went home, lit a cracker and put it in a beer can. He held the can up to his ear and began to count: "1, 2, 3, 4, 5,"at which point he paused, placed the beer can between his legs so he could continue counting on his other hand.

This procedure also works in New Zealand and Tasmania

Simon and Halfuncle

A young man walks onto the stage of Stars in their Eyes, on crutches, with a plaster cast from his feet to his hips.

Matthew Kelly Introduces him as Simon. 'It's very brave of you to come out here,' says Matthew. 'Please tell the audience what happened?' 'Well' replies Simon 'about a year ago, I was driving with my uncle when we had a really bad accident.

Unfortunately my uncle was killed outright but I survived. I was trapped in the car for six hours before I was eventually cut free.' 'The doctors had me in surgery for 12 hours but they couldn't save my legs.'

'That's terrible. But I see you have legs now. Are they artificial? 'asks Matthew.

'No Matthew, while I was in hospital the doctors informed me that my uncle had in fact died, but that his legs were fine and with all the advances in medical science, they could graft the bottom half of his body onto mine. As you can see the operation was successful.

I have been having physiotherapy for six months and hope to be walking fully again by the end of the year. A huge round of applause erupts from the audience.

Kelly responds with: 'That's an unbelievable story. So tonight, who are you going to be?'

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'Tonight, Matthew, I am going to be Simon and Halfuncle'

[KumaarShah 143]

Wife left alone for the first time...

One day, a young man had to go on a business trip away from home. Nothing unusual, but he had to think of his wife since they were recently wed and she also had a voracious sexual appetite. So the evening before he left, he went into a sex-shop and asked the shopkeeper what he could do. The shopkeeper pointed out the various toys, dildoes, vibrators, etc., naming the prices.

The young man thought they were not really enough, and said so. The shopkeeper then said he had something special - "Voodoo Penis" - and he brought out a very old but luxuriously carved box and opened it. The young man said it looked like any other dildo, but the shopkeeper said "Oh no. This is special, very special. Look here" and he commanded the toy by saying "Voodoo Penis - the door!", and the voodoo penis went and started rogering the keyhole, bang, bang, bang, going on like there was no tomorrow.

The young man was amazed. The shopkeeper then called "Voodoo Penis - in your box!" and the thing flew back to its box and stopped. Staggered, the young man buys the thing, and the shopkeeper reminds him that it has to be given a command to make it work, always beginning with "Voodoo penis!...".

So the young man takes it home and gives it to his wife, saying that if she can't go to sleep she can use the toy by giving it the commands. The first night he is away, his wife just manages to get to sleep. The second night, it's a bit difficult for her and she gets up next morning rather frustrated.

The third night, well, she just can't stand not having any fun, so she opens the box and calls "Voodoo Penis - my pussy!", and the Voodoo Penis gets right down to work, giving her a wonderful build-up to a fantastic orgasm.

However, it doesn't stop, and she has a second orgasm. It still doesn't stop, and she keeps having orgasm after orgasm until she can't stand it any more.

She tries to get it out herself, but the Voodoo Penis stays right in there, and she's forgotten all the commands and so on. So she decides the only thing to do is to drive to the emergency department of the local hospital, and gets in the car and drives off. Of course, Voodoo Penis is still working, which is a bit of a problem for the poor girl because it distracts her from her driving. She's wavering about on the road, and a policeman sees her and thinks she's had one or two glasses too many to drink. So he follows her, but before he can make her pull over, one particularly energetic orgasm overcomes her and she crashes right into a street-lamp.

She is not hurt, however, and the police officer orders her out of the car and suggests she has been drinking. She denies this, of course, and tries, trembling all the time, to explain to the police officer about this Voodoo Penis. The policeman doesn't believe any of her story, of course. I mean, would you?

So he begins to write down her details ready to take her to the police station.

Just before he is finished with the paperwork, writing down her unbelievable story, he turns to her and says "In all my years in the force, I've never heard anything like it.". Shaking his head, he continues: "Voodoo Penis - my arse!".

THE CRICKET

Q. What do Geraint Jones and Michael Jackson have in common?

A. They both wear gloves for no apparent reason.

Q. What is the height of optimism?

A. An English batsman applying sunscreen.

Q. What does Ashley Giles put in his hands to make sure the next ball almost always takes a wicket?

A. A bat.

Q. What would Glen McGrath be if he was an Englishman?

A. An all-rounder.

Q. What advantage do Kevin Pieterson, Andrew Strauss and Geraint Jones have over the rest of their team-mates?

A. At least they can say they're not really English.

Q. What is the English version of a hat-trick?

A. Three runs in three balls.

Q. What do you call an Englishman with 100 runs against his name?

A. A bowler.

Q. What is the most proficient form of footwork displayed by English batsmen?

A. The walk back to the pavilion.

Q. Who has the easiest job in the English squad?

A. The guy who removes the red ball marks from the bats.

Q. Why is Andrew Flintoff the unluckiest English player?

A. Because he was born in England.

Q. What does "Ashes" stand for?

A. Another Sad Horrific English Series.

Q. What's the English version of LBW?

A. Lost, Beaten, Walloped.

Q. Who spends the most time on the crease of anyone in the English team?

A. The person who ironed the cricket whites.

CARD SWIPER

One day, three friends went to this "Gentlemen's Club." One of the friends wanted to impress the other two, so he pulls out a $10 bill. The "dancer" came over to them, and the one friend licked the $10 and put it on her butt.

Not to be outdone, the other friend pulls out a $50 bill. He calls the girl back over, licks the $50, and puts it on her other cheek. Now the attention is focused on the third guy. He got out his wallet, thought for a minute... then got out his ATM card, swiped it down her crack, grabbed the 60 bucks, and headed for the door.

[drali 6]

good one shah!

keep posting.

[theking 35]

INDIAN DEMOCRACY

OLD VERSION...

The ant works hard in the withering heat all summer long building his

house and laying up supplies for the winter. The grasshopper thinks

the ant's a fool and laughs & dances & plays the summer away. Come

winter, the ant is warm and well fed. The grasshopper has no food or

shelter so he dies out in the cold.

MODERN VERSION

The ant works hard in the withering heat all summer long, building his

house and laying up supplies for the winter. The grasshopper thinks

the ant's a fool and laughs & dances & plays the summer away. Come

winter, the shivering grasshopper calls a press conference and demands

to know why the ant should be allowed to be warm and well fed while

others are cold and starving.

NDTV, BBC, CNN show up to provide pictures of the shivering

grasshopper next to a video of the ant in his comfortable home with a

table filled with food.

The World is stunned by the sharp contrast. How can this be that this

poor grasshopper is allowed to suffer so?

Arundhati Roy stages a demonstration in front of the ant's house.

Medha Patkar goes on a fast along with other grasshoppers demanding

that grasshoppers be relocated to warmer climates during winter.

Amnesty International and Koffi Annan criticize the Indian Government

for not upholding the fundamental rights of the grasshopper. The

Internet is flooded with online petitions seeking support to the

grasshopper (many promising Heaven and Everlasting Peace for prompt

support as against the wrath of God for non-compliance). Opposition

MP's stage a walkout.Left parties call for "Bharat Bandh" in West

Bengal and Kerala demanding a Judicial Enquiry.CPM in Kerala

immediately passes a law preventing Ants from working hard in the heat

so as to bring about equality of poverty among ants and grasshoppers.

Lalu Prasad allocates one free coach to Grasshoppers on all Indian

Railway Trains, aptly named as the 'Grasshopper Rath'.

Finally, the Judicial Committee drafts the Prevention of Terrorism

Against Grasshoppers Act [POTAGA]", with effect from the beginning of

the winter.

Arjun Singh makes Special Reservation for Grass Hopper in educational

Insititutions & in Govt Services.

The ant is fined for failing to comply with POTAGA and, having

nothing left to pay his retroactive taxes, his home is confiscated by

the Government and handed over to the grasshopper in a ceremony

covered by NDTV.

Arundhati Roy calls it "a triumph of justice". Lalu calls it

'Socialistic Justice'. CPM calls it the 'revolutionary resurgence of

the downtrodden' Koffi Annan invites the grasshopper to address the UN

General Assembly.

Many years later...The ant has since migrated to the US and set up a

multi billion dollar company in silicon valley.100s of grasshoppers

still die of starvation despite reservation somewhere in India...

[KumaarShah 143]

SPEED BREAKERS

A farmer lived on a quiet rural highway. But, as time went by, the traffic slowly built up at an alarming rate. The traffic was so heavy and so fast that his chickens were being run over at a rate of three to six a day. So one day he called the sheriff's office and said, "You've got to do something about all of these people driving so fast and killing all of my chickens."

"What do you want me to do?" asked the sheriff.

"I don't care, just do something about those drivers." So the next day he had the county go out and put up a sign that said:

SLOW: SCHOOL CROSSING.

Three days later the farmer called the sheriff and said, "You've got to do something about these drivers. The 'school crossing' sign seems to make them go faster." So, again, the sheriff sends out the county and they put up a new sign:

SLOW: CHILDREN AT PLAY.

And that really sped them up. So the farmer called and called and called everyday for three weeks. Finally, he asked the sheriff, "Your signs are doing no good. Is it all right for me to put up my own damned sign?"

The sheriff told him, "Hell, yes, put up your own sign." He was going to let the farmer do just about anything in order to have him stop calling. Well, the sheriff got no more calls from the farmer.

Three weeks after the farmers last call, the sheriff decided to call him. "How's the problem with those drivers. Did you put up your sign?"

"Oh, hell yes. And not one chicken has been killed since then. I've got to go. I'm very busy." And he hung up the phone. The sheriff though to himself, "I'd better go to that farmer's house and look at that sign... There might be something there that WE could use to slow down drivers..."

So the sheriff drove out to the farmer's house, and he saw the sign. It was a whole sheet of plywood. And written in large yellow letters were the words:

SLOW: NUDIST COLONY.

Restaurant Efficiency

I took some clients out to dinner last week, and I noticed a spoon in the shirt pocket of our waiter as he handed us the menus. It seemed a little odd, but I dismissed it as a random thing. Until our busboy came with water and tableware; he too, sported a spoon in his breast pocket. I looked around the room, and all the waiters and busboys had spoons in their pockets. When our waiter returned to take our order, I just had to ask, "Why the spoons?"

"Well," he explained, "our parent company recently hired some Andersen Consulting efficiency experts to review all our procedures, and after months of statistical analyses, they concluded that our patrons drop spoons on the floor 73% more often than any other utensil, at a frequency of 3 spoons per hour per workstation. By preparing our workers for this contingency in advance, we can cut our trips to the kitchen down and save time... nearly 1.5 extra man-hours per shift." Just as he concluded, a "ch-ching" came from the table behind him, and he quickly replaced the fallen spoon with the one from his pocket."I'll grab another spoon the next time I'm in the kitchen instead of making a special trip," he proudly explained.

I was impressed. "Thanks, I had to ask."

"No problem," he answered. Then he continued to take our orders. As the members of our dinner party took their turns, my eyes darted back and forth from each person ordering and my menu. That's when, out of the corner of my eye, I spotted a thin black thread protruding from our waiter's fly. Again, I dismissed it; yet I had to scan the room and, sure enough, there were other waiters and busboys with strings hanging out of their trousers. My curiosity overrode discretion at this point, so before he could leave I had to ask. "Excuse me, but...uh...why, or what about that string?"

"Oh, yeah," he began, in a quieter tone, "not many people are that observant. That same efficiency group found we could save time in the Men's Room, too."

"How's that?" I asked.

"You see, by tying a string to the end of our, uh, selves, we can pull it out at the urinals literally hands-free and thereby eliminate the need to wash our hands, cutting time spent in the washroom by over 93%!"

"Hey, wait a minute. If the string helps you pull it out, how do you get it back in?"

"Well," he whispered, "I don't know about the other guys, but I use the spoon."

Punishment by profession

Three men were exploring a south part of a desert. Just then, three native women and one man (their chief), kidnapped them and brought them to his torturing chamber. The chief said to the first one "What is your job?"

He said "I'm a fireman." The chief said "His thing.....BURN IT OFF!" So they did and let the first one go. The chief said to the second on "What is your job?" He said "I'm a policeman." The chief said, "His thing.....SHOOT IT OFF!" So they did an let him go, too. Then he said to the third one "What is your job?" The third one laughed and said "I'm a lollipop salesman!"

Think Like A Woman

A woman was walking down the street when she was accosted by a particularly dirty and shabby-looking homeless woman who asked her for a couple of dollars for dinner.

The woman took out her purse, extracted twenty dollars and asked, "If I give you this money, will you buy some wine with it instead of dinner?"

"No. I had to stop drinking years ago," the homeless woman replied.

"Will you use it to go shopping instead of buying food?" the woman asked

"No. I don"t waste time shopping," the homeless woman said. "I need to spend all my time trying to stay alive."

"Will you spend this on a beauty salon instead of food?" the woman asked.

"Are you NUTS!" replied the homeless woman. "I haven"t had my hair done in 20 years!"

"Well," said the woman, "I"m not going to give you the money. Instead, I"m going to take you out for dinner with my husband and myself tonight.

The homeless Woman was astounded. "Won"t your husband be furious with you for doing that? I know I"m dirty, and I probably smell pretty disgusting."

The woman replied, "That's okay. Its important for him to see what a woman looks like after she has given up shopping, hair appointments and wine."

[KumaarShah 143]

Hi,

Take an Oriental Eye test and Enjoy

Thanks.

chineseeyetest.zip

Edited February 5, 2007 by khs123

[theking 35]

Just a forwarded joke...

A bookie calls Hansie Cronje before the match between India and SouthAfrica.

Cell phone rings. Hansie picks up.

Cronje : hello

Bookie : I am ....... Here.

Cronje : yes tell me

Bookie : how is the pitch

Cronje : ya dry and good for batting

Bookie : I want u to loose today's match

Cronje : impossible

Bookie : I will pay u $200,000

Cronje : will be difficult to make India win.

Bookie : I will pay u $250,000

Cronje : May be I could help you by reducing the margin... u tell by what margin we should win... will be much more easier

Bookie : no India should win

Cronje : OK. I will try my best

Bookie : no make it.

Cronje : OK.

Bookie : what will be the score

Cronje : 300, if we bat first

Bookie : no make it 220

Cronje : Impossible. Agarkar and Joshi are playing.

Bookie : 220 no change.

Cronje : I will try

Bookie : OK. If India bat first

Cronje : 180

Bookie : no make it 275

Cronje : no u are asking too much. Dravid is playing.

Bookie : OK make it $300,000

Cronje : This would be the toughest match in my life

Bookie : OK, deal is made.

Cronje : yes

Bookie : bye.

Match starts India bats first. India score only 220 in 50 overs. During the lunch break Hansie's cell rings.

Cronje : hello

Bookie : its me. why did India score only 220. Our deal was 275.

Cronje : What can I do ? They run one when they could run three, defend full toss, get out on wide balls, all catches and shots... I mean, if there is any... exactly directed to the fielders. But I will tell you this, Indians are too good at this, I tried re-arranging the field...but they never miss a fielder.

Bookie : still u could bowl more no-balls. We got only 63 extras.

Cronje : I asked all my bowlers to bowl badly. I also made Kirsten and Gibbs bowl.

Bookie : Okay... leave that... I want u to loose the match.

Cronje : I will try.

Bookie : South Africa should be all out for 180

Cronje : OK.

Bookie : bye.

S. Africa bats. They are making a serious attempt to not hit the ball and if at all they hit trying their best to hit to the fielders. They try to run only singles for doubles. But sometimes, they can't stop themselves from running. All South African batsmen charged down to Joshi's bowling and they purposely miss the ball hoping at least one would hit the stumps. But they got to run a bye for that as Dighe is still searching for the ball. Inspite of the bad display of batting, they score 218 of 49 overs. Last over, 3 runs required, the worst part is that its an Agarkar over.

Hansie is batting with Strydom. Bookie gets really furious. Hansie is ready to face the last over his cell rings (he plays with his cell).

Cronje : hello

Bookie : its me! . What are you upto ?

Cronje : We tried the best we could

Bookie : OK forget it. I want u to loose the match

Cronje : what can I do. Fate !!! Agarkar is bowling

Bookie : I don't know... u are loosing

Agarkar bowls... Hansie tries to hide his bat behind his back. But the ball hits the bat and goes to third man. So they take a single.

(cell rings)

Cronje : sorry what can I do I was hiding my bat but still the ball comes and hit my bat. If I play much worse than this everybody will find out.

Bookie : (gets really tensed). OK I can understand. But please don't take last two runs.

Hansie talks to strydom. Agarkar bowls... a juicy full toss. Strydom uses all his batting skills to restrict that one to a single. Scores are level.

(cell rings)

Bookie : OK. Past is past. Atleast finish it in a tie. I don't know what u are going to do u are not taking a single or u give u'r bat to the umpire.

Cronje : OK. OK. Don't worry this time I will! see to it we are not taking the single. Let it be obvious also. I am not taking the single.

Agarkar bowls, unfortunately he bowls a no ball. South Africa wins the match.

Bookie goes mad and Hansie faints in the field itself.

Moral - With a team like ours, who needs to fix a match

[mmjain 0]

great research work

An American decided to write a book about famous churches around the World.

So he bought a plane ticket and took a trip to China.

On his first day he was inside a church taking photographs when he Noticed a golden telephone mounted on the wall with a sign that read "$10,000 per call".

The American, being intrigued, asked a priest who was strolling by what The telephone was used for.

The priest replied that it was a direct line to heaven and that for $10,000 you could talk to God.

The American thanked the priest and went along his way.

Next stop was in Japan. There, at a very large cathedral, he saw the Same golden telephone with the same sign under it.

He wondered if this was the same kind of telephone he saw in China and He asked a nearby nun what its purpose was.

She told him that it was a direct line to heaven and that for $10,000 He Could talk to God.

"O.K., thank you," said the American.

He then traveled to Pakistan , Srilanka , Russia , Germany and France .

In every church he saw the same golden telephone with the same "$10,000 Per call" sign under it.

The American, upon leaving Vermont decided to travel to up to India to See if Indians had the same phone.

He arrived in India , and again, in the first church he entered, there Was the same golden telephone, but this time the sign under it read

"One Rupee per call."

The American was surprised so he asked the priest about the sign.

"Father, I've traveled all over World and I've seen this same goldenTelephone in many churches. I'm told that it is a direct line to Heaven,

But in the US the price was $10,000 per call. Why is it so cheap here?"

Readers, it is your turn........ Think ......before you scroll down...

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The priest smiled and answered, "You're in India now, Son - it's a

Local Call".

This is the only heaven on the Earth.

KEEP SMILING

[mmjain 0]

-So that the killer could again come on the funeral and she could meet him

well done theking thats d best answer!

Let us put it this way.

Like the woman was amazed by the man

the man was amazed by her sister

so the woman killed the sister and expected the man to attend the funeral so that she can ask his number

[Kunal Hemrajani 1]

Email id's of cricketers

1.LAXMAN:

available@home-only.com

2.GANGULY:

nowdays@no_use.com

3.KUMBLE:

only@test_match.com

4.SACHIN:

admitted@hospital.com

5.KAIF:

good@for_nothing.com

6.SEHWAG:

consistently@out_of_form.com

7.DRAVID:

stick@crease_like_fevicol.com

8.PATHAN:

takewickets@only_with_keyna.com

9. GREG CHAPPELL

only_experiment@noresult.com

10. Munaf Patel

only_line&length@nospeed.com

11.Harbhajan Singh

no_spinpitch@nowicket.com

12. Suresh Raina

why_i_am_there@god_knows.com

13. MS Dhoni:

catchme@ramps.com

They all have a group id :

bunchOfJokers@cricket.com

And all of us should be added to this group id:

WastingTime@WatchingIndianCricket