KumaarShah 143 Report post Posted February 16, 2011 (edited) Facebook: This day Awaits us all ... The 76-year-old woman Walked Down the hallway of Clearview Addiction Clinic, Searching for the right department. She passed signs for the 'Heroin Addiction Department (HAD)', the 'Smoking Addiction Department (SAD)' and the 'Bingo Addiction Department (BAD)'. Then she spotted the department she was looking for: 'Facebook Addiction Department (FAD)'. It was the busiest department in the clinic, with about three dozen people filling the waiting room, most of them staring blankly into their Blackberries and i-Phones. A middle-aged man with unkept hair was pacing the room, muttering, "I need to milk my cows. I need to milk my cows." A twenty-something man was prone on the floor, his face buried in his hands, while a curly-haired woman comforted him, "Don't worry. It'll be all right." "I just don't understand it. I thought my update was LOL-worthy, but none of my friends even clicked the 'like' button." "How long has it been?" "Almost five minutes. That's like five months in the real world." The 76-year-old woman waited until her name was called, then followed the receptionist into the office of Alfred Zulu, Facebook Addiction Counselor. "Please have a seat, Edna," he said with a warm smile. "And tell me how it all started." "Well, it's all my grandson's fault. He sent me an invitation to join Facebook. I had never heard of Facebook before, but I thought it was something for me, because I usually have my face in a book." " "How soon were you hooked?" "Faster than you can say 'create a profile.' I found myself on Facebook at least eight times each day -- and more times at night. Sometimes I'd wake up in the middle of the night to check it, just in case there was an update from one of my new friends in India . My husband didn't like that. He said that friendship is a precious thing and should never be outsourced.""What do you like most about Facebook?" "What do you like MOST about Facebook?" "It makes me feel like I have a life. In the real world, I have only five or six friends, but on Facebook, I have 674. " Even I'm Friends With Juan Carlos Montoya. " "Who's he?" "I don't know, but he's got 4,000 friends, so he must be famous." "Facebook has helped you make some connections, I see." "Oh yes. I've even connected with some of the gals from high school -- I still call them 'gals.' I hadn't heard from some of them in ages, so it was exciting to look at their profiles and figure out who's retired, who's still working, and who's had some work done. I love browsing their photos and reading their updates. I know where they've been on vacation, which movies they've watched, and whether they hang their toilet paper over or under. I've also been playing a game with some of them." "Let me guess. Farmville?" "No, Mafia Wars. I'm a Hitman. No one messes with Edna." "Wouldn't you rather meet some of your friends in person?" "No, not really. It's so much easier on Facebook. We don't need to gussy ourselves up. We don't need to take baths or wear perfume or use mouthwash. That's the best thing about Facebook -- you can't smell anyone. Everyone is attractive, because everyone has picked a good profile pic. One of the gals is using a profile pic that was taken, I'm pretty certain, during the Eisenhower Administration. " "What pic are you using?" "Well, I spent five hours searching for a profile pic, but couldn't find one I really liked. So I decided to visit the local beauty salon." "To make yourself look prettier?" "No, to take a pic of one of the young ladies there. That's what I'm using." "Didn't your friends notice that you look different?" "Some of them did, but I just told them I've been doing lots of yoga." "When did you realize that your Facebooking might be a problem?" "I realized it last Sunday night, when I was on Facebook and saw a message on my wall from my husband: 'I moved out of the house five days ago. Just thought you should know.'" "What did you do?" "What else? I unfriended HIM of course!" Edited February 16, 2011 by KumaarShah 1 Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
KumaarShah 143 Report post Posted February 16, 2011 (edited) 5 weekends in one month !!! This year July has 5 Fridays, 5 Saturdays n 5 Sundays. This happens once every 823 years. .'''''''''''''''''''''''''''''' Parsee Gujarati Poem: :short, simple & meaningful Gami te malti nathi. Mali te faavti nathi. Faavi teni saathe maja aavti nathi. Ane, maja ave tevi kaayam reheti nathi............... Have a guess !!!!!!!!!!!!!! And scroll down Tenu naam - NOKRI........... Tame su samajya - CHHOKRI? """""""""""""""""""" Wife and Girlfriend Wife is like a TV, Girlfriend is like a MOBILE. At home u watch TV,But when u go out u take ur MOBILE. Sometimes u enjoy TV, But most of the time u play with ur MOBILE. TV is free for life, But for the MOBILE, if you don't pay, the services will be terminated. TV is big, bulky and most of the time old, But the MOBILE is cute, slim, curvy and very portable. Operational costs for TV is often acceptable, But for the MOBILE it is often high and demanding. TV has a remote, MOBILE doesn't. Most importantly, MOBILE is a two-way communication (u talk and listen), But with the TV you MUST only listen (whether you want to or not). Last but not least .. TVs don't have viruses, But MOBILEs often do! ====================================================================== SMILE PLEASE - Medical exam, that too free!!!! Can't Afford a Medical Exam ? If you can't afford a doctor, go to an airport in USA with a Pakistani Passport. .. - you'll get a free x-ray and a pat down, and . . . -if you mention Al Queda, you get a colonoscopy too. """"""""""""""""""""""""""""" Edited February 16, 2011 by KumaarShah 1 Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
KumaarShah 143 Report post Posted February 16, 2011 The Importance of Walking My grandpa started walking five miles a day when he was 60. Now he's 97 years old and we don't know where he is. Walking can add minutes to your life. This enables you at 85 years old to spend an additional 5 months in a nursing home at $7000 per month. I like long walks, especially when they are taken by people who annoy me. The only reason I would take up walking is so that I could hear heavy breathing again. I have to walk early in the morning, before my brain figures out what I'm doing. I joined a health club last year, spent about 400 bucks. Haven't lost a pound. Apparently you have to go there. Every time I hear the dirty word 'exercise', I wash my mouth out with chocolate. The advantage of exercising every day is so when you die, they'll say, 'Well, she looks good doesn't she.' If you are going to try cross-country skiing, start with a small country. I know I got a lot of exercise the last few years,...... just getting over the hill. We all get heavier as we get older, because there's a lot more information in our heads. That's my story and I'm sticking to it. AND Every time I start thinking too much about how I look, I just find a Happy Hour and by the time I leave, I look just fine. @ The Six-Pack Abs Doctor - the above is dedicated to you...... just joking, don't take it seriously.... 1 Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
rajanmehta 4,056 Report post Posted February 16, 2011 Kumaarbhai Rocking...Loved the Black Humour in Facebook Thingy +1 And waiting for the Six Pack Ab Doc's Rejoinder Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Honest 836 Report post Posted February 16, 2011 Good One Kumaar Bhai +1 Achha, toh yeh faayde hain Walking ke ???? Daaktar Babu......kahan ho.....dekho dekho Kumaar Bhai kya keh rahe hain..... Mujhe gumm karwaana chahte thhe forum se ? Hain Daaktar ???? Isiliye mujhe LAMBEEEEEE WALI WALK per bhej rahe thhe? Taaki mai jab pachaas saal ka ho jaaun aur mera wajan 103 se badh ke 130 ho jaye to bhi na miloo kisi ko bhi. Hain ??? Thanks Kumaar Bhai.....ye walking per facts post karne ke liye. Ab walking se apni toh chutti. Agar mai walk karte karte kahee kho gaya (yani bahut aagey Himalyas tak pahuch gaya) toh meri old lady .....yaani apki Aunty .....mujhe DHOONDHTI REH JAEGI bechari. Kyunki fir usko he saarey kapde dhone padengey. And I'm serious in this thread of Non-Sms-Stuff....No joke. 1 Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Karthik R 246 Report post Posted February 17, 2011 Beer Troubleshooting Symptom: Feet cold and wet. Fault: Glass being held at incorrect angle. Solution: Turn glass so that open end is pointing at ceiling. Symptom: Drinking fails to give satisfaction and taste; beer unusually pale and clear. Fault: Glass is empty. Solution: Find someone who will buy you another pint. SYMPTOM: Feet warm and wet. FAULT: Improper bladder control. ACTION: Stand next to nearest dog, complain about house training. SYMPTOM: Opposite wall covered with fluorescent lights. FAULT: You have fallen over backward. ACTION: Have yourself leashed to bar. SYMPTOM: Mouth contains cigarette butts. FAULT: You have fallen forward. ACTION: See above. Symptom: Bar moving. Fault: You are being carried out. Solution: Find out if you are being taken to another bar - if not complain loudly that you are being hi-jacked. SYMPTOM: Room seems unusually dark. FAULT: Bar has closed. ACTION: Confirm home address with bartender. SYMPTOM: Taxi suddenly takes on colorful aspect and textures. FAULT: Beer consumption has exceeded personal limitations. ACTION: Cover mouth. SYMPTOM: Everyone looks up to you and smiles. FAULT: You are dancing on the table. ACTION: Fall on somebody cushy-looking. SYMPTOM: Beer is crystal-clear. FAULT: It's water. Somebody is trying to sober you up. ACTION: Punch him. SYMPTOM: Hands hurt, nose hurts, mind unusually clear. FAULT: You have been in a fight. ACTION: Apologize to everyone you see, just in case it was them. SYMPTOM: Don't recognize anyone, don't recognize the room you're in. FAULT: You've wandered into the wrong party. ACTION: See if they have free beer. SYMPTOM: Your singing sounds distorted. FAULT: The beer is too weak. ACTION: Have more beer until your voice improves. SYMPTOM: Don't remember the words to the song. FAULT: Beer is just right. ACTION: Play air guitar. Symptom: You have woken up to find your bed cold, hard and wet. You cannot see your bedroom walls or ceiling. Fault: You have spent the night in the gutter. Solution: Check your watch to see if its opening time - if not treat yourself to a lie in. 1 Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
csmart 472 Report post Posted February 18, 2011 once Rajnikant went to Volcano to cook food... he fainted.... :ko2: :chief: why?? i was already there, lighting a cigar.... too much of Rajnikant, its my time now... ^_^ 1 Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Karthik R 246 Report post Posted February 21, 2011 (edited) Things You Don't Want To Hear During Surgery "Better save that. We'll need it for the autopsy." "Someone call the janitor - we're going to need a mop." "Accept this sacrifice, O Great Lord of Darkness" "Bo! Bo! Come back with that! Bad Dog!" "Wait a minute, if this is his spleen, then what's that?" "Hand me that...uh...that uh.....thingie." "Oh no! I just lost my Rolex." "Oops! Hey, has anyone ever survived 500ml of this stuff before?" "Damn, there go the lights again..." "Ya know, there's big money in kidneys. Hell, the guy's got two of them." "What do you mean you want a divorce?" Edited February 21, 2011 by Karthik R 1 Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Genius 817 Report post Posted February 21, 2011 ^^^ Good one +1 herd this in real life (all of them): "check instruments in table before i close this" when i was in Govt hospital Gynec ward in labour room: "dont let the dog come - he runs away with placenta" -- when cutting vagina for delivery - is this ok or shall I extend it - opps i hit anus i think Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Greatest 55 Report post Posted February 22, 2011 ^^^ Dr saheb, you are making us in tension... kya hoga life ka?? Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Honest 836 Report post Posted March 1, 2011 :) Best Friends Forever :) . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . Hai na mastt jodee ??? 1 Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
aalok 442 Report post Posted March 2, 2011 ^ jai or veeru ki jodi... Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Karthik R 246 Report post Posted March 3, 2011 A police officer pulls over a speeding car. The officer says, " I clocked you at 80 miles per hour, sir ." The driver says, "Gee, officer, I had it on cruise control at 60, perhaps your radar gun needs calibrating. " Not looking up from her knitting the wife says: "Now don"t be silly, dear -- you know that this car doesn't have cruise control." As the officer writes out the ticket, the driver looks over at his wife and growls, "Can't you please keep your mouth shut for once !! ?" The wife smiles demurely and says, "Well dear you should be thankful your radar detector went off when it did or your speed would have been higher." As the officer makes out the second ticket for the illegal radar detector unit, the man glowers at his wife and says through clenched teeth, "Woman, can't you keep your mouth shut?" The officer frowns and says, "And I notice that you"re not wearing your seat belt, sir. That's an automatic $75 fine." The driver says, "Yeah, well, you see, officer, I had it on, but I took it off when you pulled me over so that I could get my license out of my back pocket." The wife says, "Now, dear, you know very well that you didn"t have your seat belt on. You never wear your seat belt when you"re driving." And as the police officer is writing out the third ticket, the driver turns to his wife and barks, "WHY DON"T YOU PLEASE SHUT UP ??" The officer looks over at the woman and asks, "Does your husband always talk to you this way, Ma'am?" "Only when he"s been drinking, officer." Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
csmart 472 Report post Posted March 21, 2011 Latest from Nursery Schools: A: APPLE B: BLUETOOTH C: CHAT D: DOWNLOAD E: E MAIL F: FACEBOOK G: GOOGLE H: HEWLETT PACKARD I: iPHONE J: JAVA K: KINGSTON L: LAPTOP M: MESSENGER N: NERO O: ORKUT P: PICASSA Q: QUICK HEAL R: RAM S: SERVER T: TWITTER U: USB V: VISTA W: WiFi X: Xp Y: YOU TUBE Z: ZORPIA Guess what???? .... A is still an Apple! 2 Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
KumaarShah 143 Report post Posted March 21, 2011 good one, csmart.... So this is what you taught your child when you went for admissions? Just joking.... +1 to you Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
csmart 472 Report post Posted March 21, 2011 KumaarShah i am not teaching.. but who knows, may be his(my kid's) kids... ;) already SMS language is being used and we read abt the same that studetns write in paper.. so u never know... Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
rajanmehta 4,056 Report post Posted April 6, 2011 THE WOMAN IN YOUR LIFE.......... Tomorrow you may get a working woman, but you should marry her with these facts as well. Here is a girl, who is as much educated as you are; Who is earning almost as much as you do; One, who has dreams and aspirations just as you have because she is as human as you are; One, who has never entered the kitchen in her life just like you or your Sister haven't, as she was busy in studies and competing in a system that gives no special concession to girls for their culinary achievements One, who has lived and loved her parents & brothers & sisters, almost as much as you do for 20-25 years of her life; One, who has bravely agreed to leave behind all that, her home, people who love her, to adopt your home, your family, your ways and even your family ,name One, who is somehow expected to be a master-chef from day #1, while you sleep oblivious to her predicament in her new circumstances, environment and that kitchen One, who is expected to make the tea, first thing in the morning and cook food at the end of the day, even if she is as tired as you are, maybe more, and yet never ever expected to complain; to be a servant, a cook, a mother, a wife, even if she doesn't want to; and is learning just like you are as to what you want from her; and is clumsy and sloppy at times and knows that you won't like it if she is too demanding, or if she learns faster than you; One, who has her own set of friends, and that includes boys and even men at her workplace too, those, who she knows from school days and yet is willing to put all that on the back-burners to avoid your irrational jealousy, unnecessary competition and your inherent insecurities; Yes, she can drink and dance just as well as you can, but won't, simply Because you won't like it, even though you say otherwise One, who can be late from work once in a while when deadlines, just like yours, are to be met; One, who is doing her level best and wants to make this most important, relationship in her entire life a grand success, if you just help her some and trust her; One, who just wants one thing from you, as you are the only one she knows in your entire house - your unstinted support, your sensitivities and most importantly - your understanding, or love, if you may call it. But not many guys understand this...... Please appreciate "HER" 6 Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Genius 817 Report post Posted April 6, 2011 @ Rajan Just after reading this i called and said ILU to her(keep guessing) +1 to you Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
KumaarShah 143 Report post Posted April 7, 2011 @ RM, Really good one... +1 to you... Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
aalok 442 Report post Posted April 9, 2011 USED vs LOVED While a man was polishing his new car, his 4 year old son picked up a stone and scratched lines on the side of the car. In anger, the man took the child's hand and hit it many times not realizing he was using a wrench. At the hospital, the child lost all his fingers due to multiple fractures. When the child saw his father..... with painful eyes he asked, 'Dad when will my fingers grow back?' The man was so hurt and speechless; he went back to his car and kicked it a lot of times. Devastated by his own actions...... sitting in front of that car he looked at the scratches; the child had written 'I LOVE YOU DAD'. The next day that man committed suicide. . . Anger and Love have no limits; choose the latter to have a beautiful, lovely life & remember this - Things are to be used and people are to be loved. The problem in today's world is that people are used while things are loved. Let's try always to keep this thought in mind: Things are to be used, People are to be loved. Watch your thoughts; they become words. Watch your words; they become actions. Watch your actions; they become habits. Watch your habits; they become character; Watch your character; it becomes your destiny.... Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
amit.shah 51 Report post Posted April 15, 2011 Give Narendra Modi next 5 years, he will MAKE Gujarat like Singapore..... Give SHARAD PAWAR next 5 years, he & family will BUY Singapore.... Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
csmart 472 Report post Posted May 28, 2011 A little boy was doing his maths homework. He said to himself, "Two plus five, the son of a b!tch is seven. Three plus six, the son of a b!tch is nine..." His mother heard what he was saying and gasped, "What are you doing?" The little boy answered, "I'm doing my maths homework, Mom." "And this is how your teacher taught you to do it?" the mother asked. "Yes," he answered. Infuriated, the mother asked the teacher the next day, "What are you teaching my son in maths?" The teacher replied, "Right now, we are learning addition." The mother asked, "And are you teaching them to say two plus two, the Son Of a b!tch is four?" After the teacher stopped laughing, she answered, "What I taught them was, two plus two, THE SUM OF WHICH, is four." 3 Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Honest 836 Report post Posted May 28, 2011 ^^^ Lol ! +1 Good One CM urf CHIEF MINISTER saheb. Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
